On Thursday, Time magazine released an interview with President Vladimir TrumPutin, and even as the walls are closing in around his pathetic presidency, he continued to double down on all his batshit-crazy claims.
He continues to selectively choose which media reports he agrees with—mostly those stories that are kind to his reign as dictator in chief—and continues to push claims that the Obama administration wiretapped TrumPutin’s Tower, even as FBI Director James Comey told the House Intelligence Committee that there’s no evidence this ever happened.
TrumPutin stuck to the party line that because he tweeted “wiretap” in quotes, he didn’t officially mean wiretapping but, rather, surveillance.
“When I said wiretapping, it was in quotes,” he told Time. “Because a wiretapping is, you know, today it is different than wiretapping. It is just a good description. But wiretapping was in quotes. What I’m talking about is surveillance.”
He also continues to stand by his completely narcissistic assertion that he only lost the popular vote to Hillary Clinton because some ungodly number of votes were illegal.
“Well, now if you take a look at the votes, when I say that, I mean, mostly they register wrong,” he said of his assertion. “In other words, for the votes, they register incorrectly, and/or illegally. And they then vote. You have tremendous numbers of people. In fact, I’m forming a committee on it.”
That’s right: President TrumPutin wants to form another bogus committee for a claim that has no basis in facts. He even called the claim of voter fraud a “very serious issue” despite the proven fact that there was no massive voter fraud!
“We’ll see after the committee. I have people say it was more than that,” he said. “We will see after we have. But there will be, we are forming a committee. And we are going to do a study on it, a very serious problem.”
So this Scooby Doo-ass administration is going to get to the bottom of this noncrime. In the end I expect Sean “Scrappy Doo” Spicer to unmask the villain, only to reveal that it wasn’t voter fraud but, in fact, Curly Neal from the Harlem Globetrotters.
And if these claims still leave you unsure as to whether 45 is actually batshit crazy, no problem. Turns out the American public needs to relax and trust TrumPutin because he’s a very “instinctual person” who knows how life works.
“I’m a very instinctual person, but my instinct turns out to be right. When everyone said I wasn’t going to win the election, I said, ‘Well, I think I would,’” he told Time.
As the Huffington Post points out, TrumPutin even incorrectly stated how many electoral votes he won.
“You take a look, and guess what? I won, and I won easily,” he said. “I predicted Brexit. Remember they said there was no way to get to 270? Well, I ended up at 306. I had election night, 306. But there was no way to get to, in fact, I went to Maine four times, four times I went to Maine, because I had to get one vote, because there was no way to get to 270, but I ended up getting to 306. Brexit, I predicted Brexit, you remember that, the day before the event. I said, ‘No, Brexit is going to happen,’ and everybody laughed, and Brexit happened. Many, many things. They turn out to be right.”
Thank you, President Oracle Fuck Face. We were nothing without you.
And if anyone has an issue with how the president is presidenting, he’s got an answer for that, too: “I can’t be doing so badly, because I’m president and you’re not.”
What a fucking moron.