Illustration for article titled Trump Wants Us to Believe No One Told Him Russia Offered Bounties for Killing U.S. Troops in Afghanistan. Have I Told You That Trump Is a Liar?
Photo: David Dee Delgado (Getty Images)

President Donald Trump would like America to believe that U.S. intelligence learned that a bounty had been placed on the heads of American troops in Afghanistan and no one told him.

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No one sent him a strongly worded email. No one mimed it to him. No one called him on his house phone. No one wrote him a letter. A text message. No one gave him a birthday card with a note in it. The president and his administration want America to believe that U.S. intelligence learned that the Russian military was quietly offering Taliban-linked militants a bounty to kill Americans—the people Russia has Trump governing—and no one told him.

No one sent out a plane to spell it out in the sky. No one wrote a secret message on one of his fat-ass ties. No one scribbled it on a Post-It note and left it inside his sleeping coffin.

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Not. One. Word. Was. Told. To. The. President.

In the words of my sister’s friend Tee: “What did that nigga say? OK, he lyin’.

But that didn’t stop the president and his lying-ass administration from pushing that bullshit-ass story to the American public.

From The Associated Press:

American intelligence officials concluded months ago that Russian officials offered rewards for successful attacks on American service-members last year, at a time when the U.S. and Taliban were holding talks to end the long-running war, according to The New York Times.

Trump, in a Sunday morning tweet, said “Nobody briefed or told me” or Vice President Mike Pence or chief of staff Mark Meadows about “the so-called attacks on our troops in Afghanistan by Russians.”

“Everybody is denying it & there have not been many attacks on us,” he said.

The White House sent out a statement claiming that neither Trump nor Vice President Pence had been briefed on such intelligence because Trump doesn’t like anyone talking to him about his boyfriend’s country, and we still haven’t confirmed whether or not Pence is, in fact, a human capable of interpreting data.

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“This does not speak to the merit of the alleged intelligence but to the inaccuracy of the New York Times story erroneously suggesting that President Trump was briefed on this matter,” Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnanyOfTheState said, AP reports.

Trump’s Director of National Intelligence John Ratcliffe also claimed that no one ever briefed the president or the vice president “on any intelligence alleged” in the New York Times’ report, and he said the White House statement was “accurate,” AP reports.

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I’m just curious: if you’re the director of national intelligence, wouldn’t it be your job to tell the president that Russia is offering incentives to our enemies to kill American soldiers?

But but but but…..what about kneeling during the anthem?!

Trump’s tweet came after presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden said that if the report is true that the president is a lying piece of shit and he would like to take him behind the bleachers and give him the ole 1-2 (and then Biden started punching and winded himself out.) it is truly a “shocking revelation” about the president and his failure to protect U.S. troops in Afghanistan and stand up to Russia, AP reports.

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Russia called the report “nonsense.” (Seriously, what else was Russia going to say?)

“This unsophisticated plant clearly illustrates the low intellectual abilities of the propagandists of American intelligence, who instead of inventing something more plausible have to make up this nonsense,” the Russian Foreign Ministry said.

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A Taliban spokesman–wait, these bamas have a spokesman?–said the militants “strongly reject this allegation” and are not “indebted to the beneficence of any intelligence organ or foreign country.”

John Bolton, a former national security adviser turned internet baddie who is now hawking a tell-all about his time in Trump’s White House, said, “it is pretty remarkable the president’s going out of his way to say he hasn’t heard anything about it, one asks, why would he do something like that?”

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Well, because the president is a liar and he doesn’t give a shit about America. Also, if they wanted to make sure the president knew about this, they should’ve written it on a golf course or on top of South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham’s head since that is the only part Trump can see when Graham’s kissing his feet.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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