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Trump: Stimulus Talks Are Off Unless I Win! Also Trump: My Bad, Stimulus Talks are Back On

Illustration for article titled Trump: Stimulus Talks Are Off Unless I Win! Also Trump: My Bad, Stimulus Talks are Back On
Photo: NICHOLAS KAMM (Getty Images)

President Quid Pro Quo tried to hold America’s stimulus checks hostage because he’s a master negotiator, and by “master,” I mean mafia. The stable genius, who was quite possibly hopped up on COVID-19 medication, went on a full “Get off my lawn” Twitter-rant that called for the end of stimulus negotiations in Congress until he won a second term in which he would then pass a massive stimulus bill; bigger that the world has ever seen!

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As the night went on and the meds either kicked in or wore off, the president began retweeting conspiracy theories and announced that he’d be declassifying documents into the “Russia hoax.”

And then, he walked back his stimulus talk:

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The Hill notes that “both provisions were included in stimulus negotiations that were being held between the administration and congressional Democrats that Trump scrapped Tuesday.”

Trump would tweet later that he’d sign a single bill that would give Americans $1,200 stimulus and he tagged the top negotiators in his tweet because this is how official government business is done when 53 percent of white women vote against their own self-interest to elect a 13-year-old white battle rapper from the suburbs.

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And none of this has anything to do with Trump caring about people; this has everything to do with the stock market tanking after Trump tweeted that the stimulus negotiations were off. In short, the president had a full-on argument with himself on Twitter because America elected a fucking mad man to run the country.

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And now, stimulus talks are back on, according to White House chief of staff Mark Meadows, who told Republican sex workers on Fox & Friends that if they couldn’t reach a consensus on an overall bill, then hopefully they could work on standalone bills.

“The president [has] already been on the phone this morning talking to Secretary Mnuchin,” Meadows told Fox & Friends in an interview. “The secretary and I have been talking about what we could do with stand-alone bills to help airlines, small businesses and the American people, with stimulus checks. So, hopefully, we can convince Speaker Pelosi to do something on a standalone basis.”

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Politico notes, “The president confused matters further Wednesday morning, minutes after Meadows’ interview, when he took to Twitter to urge Pelosi: “Move Fast, I Am Waiting To Sign!”

Something tells me Pelosi isn’t going to take the bait. If she agrees to standalone bills to bail out the American people and the airline industry, she loses her leverage to get funding for schools and mass coronavirus testing.

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I think I speak for all of America when I say, “Run us our stimulus checks!”

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

In short, the president had a full-on argument with himself on Twitter because America elected a fucking mad man to run the country.

It’s just a fucking Tex Avery cartoon at this point.

But, hey, he wants to send $1,200 out to me before he shits the bed, hopefully literally, hopefully to death? No skin off my ass!