Trump Shut Down the Government for 57 Miles of Border Fencing. Here Are 10 Things He Could've Done With That $1 Billion

Illustration for article titled Trump Shut Down the Government for 57 Miles of Border Fencing. Here Are 10 Things He Could've Done With That $1 Billion
Photo: John Moore (Getty Images)

In a recent disclosure, the Pentagon says it is ready to give up $1 billion to build 57 miles of fencing along the southern border to stop the influx of Mexican Transformers wearing missile helmets and armed with bags of Oxycontin hidden in Ugg boots to entice white women.


Yes, you read that correctly: $1,000,000,000 for 57 miles of slat-fence.

According to the USA Today, Acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan announced that he’s “authorized the commander of the Army Corps of Engineers to plan and build the 18-foot-high fencing, construct and upgrade roads and install lighting in the Yuma, Arizona, and El Paso, Texas.”

This all stems from the president’s bullshit emergency declaration to rid America of the border crossers who use Photoshopped images of teens playing sports they’ve never even heard of to get them into Ivy League colleges. After Congress shot down the president’s proposed $5.7 billion he wanted for the construction of his dumb ass wall, the president then declared a fake emergency to steal funds from other worthy programs.

ABC reported that most of the “discovered” funding will come from the Pentagon’s military budget, meaning the longest government shutdown in history that put federal workers on the brink of the poorhouse was all for a chain link fence that would extend from Newark to the Bronx. When driving to Louisiana, I detour 220 miles so I won’t have to drive through Mississippi, so it’s unlikely that 57 miles of fencing is going to stop drug dealers and people fleeing from oppression from crossing the southern border.

“We have serious concerns that the department has allowed political interference and pet projects to come ahead of many near-term, critical readiness issues,” Democrats said in a letter.

Yep, an outrage letter; that’s how the Democrats roll. A tersely worded letter typed without a header! Do you hear that Republicans?! No return address!


Anyway, The Root staff writer Michael Harriot, who is also the official on staff scholar of Wypipo, and myself came up with 10 things Trump could do with $1 billion other than building that wall that will almost stretch the length of Trump’s tie.

1. Put a down payment on reparations.

Trump is known for pissing off his base, and what better way to piss off the GOP faithful than throwing some money to the blacks?


2. Get all his white friends kids into college.

He’s kind of already done this with the enormous tax breaks he’s given to the top 1 percent, but for those who fell through the cracks, had a tough year and could only afford one vacation house in Brazil, what a nice way to say, “Here’s something else you didn’t earn,” or as they call it in the White House: “A Kavanaugh.”


3. Pay his fucking taxes.

The story on Trump’s taxes are messier than this damn Jussie Smollett case, but we know that he owes something. He just has to. According to one story, Trump could owe as much as $400 million in back taxes, and that money would be well spent here as opposed to building a wall that could barely make it from Mar-a-Lago to Miami.


4. Go on a collusion retreat with Vladimir Putin.

Nothing says “I love you” like a bae-cation complete with bot training, KFC (Kremlin Fried Chicken) and special golden shower room service.


5. Pay off more porn stars.

Trump loves the porn stars. He always has. Surely there is more scandalous news to come, and with that means more payouts, and these women deserve to be fairly compensated for laying with his naked orange orangutan ass.


6. Help R. Kelly with his child support.

Trump and R. Kelly have a lot in common. Both men love water sports. Both men are chewed gum on the bottom of Satan’s blown out Nike. Both men have fanatical fans who believe the crooner and the con are the targets of fake news. Both men were targeted by Michael Avenatti. And both don’t see nothing wrong with a little (non-consensual) bump and grind.


I’m sure Trump could throw the embattled singer a few coins.

7. Redo his MAGA paraphernalia in a font other than Times New Roman.

Maybe he could try a more fitting font this time like, say, “Comic Sans” or “Russian Collusion.”


8. Put some money on Paul Manafort’s books.

Who are we kidding? Punk-ass Manafort won’t ever see this money. If he’s in a respectable prison, someone is already extorting him for whatever money is put on his books. Then again, on the inside, Manafort may be protected by the Russian mob.


9. Send Robert Mueller a nice edible arrangement.

That’s the least he could do.

10. Launder it through a Deutsche Bank, tell everyone it’s really 6 billion, use part of it to undermine the entire U.S. democracy, funnel some to Russian oligarchs, and invest the rest in golf courses, shitty steaks and a school called Trump University, which is the equivalent of 13th grade.

Oh wait...He already did that.


Rooo sez BISH PLZ