Trump started off his morning the way that he normally does, he woke to his favorite version of Kendrick Lamar’s Alright:
Then he asked that South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham be brought into the kicking chamber where he proceeded to kick Graham’s shins bloody. He then drank four 16-ounce ostrich eggs and asked that he be hosed down with orange Skittles paint in the presidential bathroom.
It wasn’t until later that things started to go awry.
First, the president learned that the Supreme Court upheld the Manhattan district attorney’s demand for Trump’s tax return, which is a yuge blow to Trump and his secret business dealings, which are sure to be uncovered. The court, however, ruled against allowing House Democrats to get their paws on his tax documents despite them wanting to expose his ass for more than a year. This likely means that Trump will survive his first, and prayerfully only, term in office without showing his taxes to Congress.
CNBC notes that because the ruling is confidential, so the investigation into Trump by the Manhattan DA will most likely keep his business dealings private. After learning that both Trump Supreme court picks voted against him, Trump punched a kitten in the face and demanded that Kellyanne Conway be brought into his office so that he could stare death in the face. He then took to Twitter to claim that he’s again the victim of a political witch hunt.
He then asked for Rep. Matt Gatez, who was unavailable as he was teaching his adult adopted son, Nestor, whom he didn’t adopt, how to shave his back hair.
Later, on the same day, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio, who has a Black son named Dante, closed down Fifth Avenue so that they could paint a yuge Black Lives Matter mural in the middle of the street directly in front of Trump Tower.
From the New York Times:
The public art project was announced last month, and city officials have presented its location as a direct rebuke of Mr. Trump, who has repeatedly denigrated those protesting against systemic racism and police brutality in recent weeks.
“The president is a disgrace to the values we cherish in New York City,” a spokeswoman for Mr. de Blasio said in a statement to the Times. “He can’t run or deny the reality we are facing, and any time he wants to set foot in the place he claims is his hometown, he should be reminded Black Lives Matter.”
Safe to say that if there are any baby owls, chickens or protesters anywhere near the White House, they should probably evacuate now as the president is going to be looking for someone or something to punch.