Trump’s Crash Test Dummy Rudy Giuliani Would Love to Testify at President’s Senate Trial

Illustration for article titled Trump’s Crash Test Dummy Rudy Giuliani Would Love to Testify at President’s Senate Trial
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Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, whose bottom teeth look like freshly pissed-on snow, is willing to testify at the president’s Senate impeachment trial because Giuliani can’t stand that the spotlight’s not on him.


“I would testify, I would do demonstrations, I’d give lectures, I’d give summations, or I’d do what I do best: I’d try the case, because I’m a thirsty bitch who lives for drama,” Giuliani told reporters as he walked into a New Year’s Eve celebration at the president’s shithole Florida resort with the dumbass name Mar-a-Lago, Tuesday, NBC News reports.

Giuliani, a former federal prosecutor whose lawyering looks a lot like an older but unwiser Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny, believes that he could lead the president’s defense team.

“I don’t know if anybody would have the courage to give me the case, but if you give me the case, I will prosecute it as a racketeering case, which I kind of invented anyway,” he said, referring to his pioneering use of racketeering laws to take down New York mob leadership in the 1980s.

“It was 30 years ago, but let’s see if I can still do it,” he said.

From NBC News:

Giuliani, the former mayor of New York, did not elaborate, but he has said before that Trump did nothing wrong in the dealings with Ukraine that led to his impeachment, and he has said the real wrongdoers are former Vice President Joe Biden and his son.

The impeachment proceedings center on Trump’s efforts to press Ukraine’s president to investigate the Bidens, focusing on Hunter Biden’s work on the board of a Ukrainian gas company while his father was calling for the removal the country’s top prosecutor as part of the Obama administration’s anti-corruption efforts there. Trump sought the investigation into the Bidens while withholding critical military aid to Ukraine, which is at war with Russian-backed separatists.

The Bidens have denied any wrongdoing.

Republicans with only a morsel of sense more than the president have reportedly told Trump to distance himself from Giuliani, whose bottom teeth look like naked elves who ran through a field of shit, as the lawyer is being investigated “by federal prosecutors who have arrested two of his associates on charges of violating campaign finance laws,” NBC News notes.

Giuliani claims he didn’t do anything and told New York magazine in a recent interview that the investigators are, “idiots.”

In the same interview Giuliani, whose bottom teeth look like he ate urine-soaked rocks as a child, said he wanted to represent the president so he could put Democrats in the hot seat.


“I’m great at it. It’s what I do best as a lawyer. That’s what I would be good at,” he said. “Oh, I would love it, I could ripyou know, I hate to sound like a ridiculously boastful lawyer, but cross-examining them would be, I don’t know, I could’ve done it when I was a second-year assistant U.S. attorney. They’re a bunch of clowns.”

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.



I too would love to see him testify.

This man can dig holes better than a strip mining shovel.