Trump Offers to 'Vouch' For A$AP Rocky, Swedish PM Offers Trump Choice of Several Seats

Photo: Andrew Harrer (Getty Images)

President Donald Trump was shocked to discover that there is no international exchange rate for white privilege when the Prime Minister of Sweden declined Trump’s offer to “personally vouch” for jailed rapper A$AP Rocky.

Trump was pretty sure that he could extend his personal immunity to the law to A$AP Rocky, who has been imprisoned in a Swedish jail since being charged with assault during a melee on the streets of Stockholm. A Swedish judge recently declared that the emcee, whose real name is Rakim Mayers, is a flight risk, extending the rapper’s detainment for athird week.


Since the incident, numerous celebrities have advocated for A$AP’s release, including slave narrative re-writer Kanye West and his wife, criminal justice activist Kim Kardashian. The couple reportedly made a personal call to Trump, requesting that their bestie use his considerable clout to intervene on Mr. Rocky’s behalf.

On Saturday, Trump tweeted that he made a call to the Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Löfven, proving once and for all that he is definitely not a racist, despite previously threatening to deport non-white people whose only crime was disagreeing with his idiotic policies. The chief executive assured everyone that he had everything under control, characterizing the conversation with the Swedish head of state as “very good” (Trump sometimes has trouble spelling “tremendous.” The “i” always trips him up).


Those concerned with A$AP Rocky’s freedom breathed a sigh of relief, assuming the president had it handled because, if Trump possesses one area of expertise, it’s staying out of jail. But it turns out, Trump’s clout doesn’t extend beyond the U.S. borders.


According to the Associated Press, Löfven said that he “cannot and will not attempt to influence prosecutors or courts.”

“I understand that President Trump has a personal interest in the case...He has expressed the desire for a conversation with me, which is certainly positive,” read fven’s statement. “I will explain that the Swedish judicial system is independent. In Sweden, everyone is equal before the law, and this includes visitors from other countries.”


As it stands, Trump might not only be impotent in securing the freedom of A$AP Rocky, but now someone has to explain the concept of an independent judicial system to him. Maybe Kim Kardashian can do that since she’s almost a lawyer. We know Attorney General Bill Barr has no idea what this means.

I would’ve suggested Brett Kavanaugh, but Saturday is his beer-drinking day.

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Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.