I’m a great uncle.
As such, I’ve used every tactic in the uncle handbook to bribe my nieces into doing something they don’t want to do. Whom amongst us hasn’t faked like they’ve got Disney World tickets in their pockets to get the little ones to eat their Brussels sprouts?
Well, President Trump was in full uncle mood Tuesday when he held up a folded piece of paper that he claimed was the deal with Mexico. Given the president’s past track record of lying, this is probably bullshit.
“This is one page,” Trump said, taking out fake Disney World tickets for the journalists to see, Politico reports. “This is one page of a very long and very good agreement for both Mexico and the United States. Without the tariffs, we would have had nothing.”
When pressed about anything, Trump refused to answer but continued pushing his narrative that America’s relationship with Mexico is strong. And, of course, the president had to take shots at Democrats, saying, “We want the Democrats to help us as much as Mexico, and then we’ll have absolutely no problem at the border.”
The funniest part of all of this is that, much like the president’s presidency, this has been a blind man’s bluff in which the president has claimed victory over Mexico with some secretive new deal that doesn’t seem to look different from the old deal.
Meanwhile, Mexico is like, “We don’t know WTF the old orange man is talking about but his mouth looks a lot like an anus when he says ‘O’ words.”
Trump claimed early Tuesday during his morning bathroom tweetfest that the “Biggest part of deal with Mexico has not yet been revealed!”
After stuffing the folded piece of paper back into his inner suit pocket, Trump told all of the journalists gathered that it all “goes into effect when I want it to,” which is Trump-speak for “I have nothing to show you but I want you to believe that I’ve done something. Bigly.”