Trump Gives Defense Secretary James Mattis the Boot 2 Months Early, as Told by Beyoncé Lyrics

President Donald Trump with Defense Secretary Jim Mattis gestures during a reception commemorating the 35th anniversary of the attack on Beirut Barracks in the East Room at the White House in Washington, Thursday, Oct. 25, 2018.
Photo: Manuel Balce Ceneta (ASSOCIATED PRESS)

“To the left, to the left

Everything you own in the box to the left...”

Days removed from being on the receiving end of one of the best reads in recent memory, our soon-to-be former Secretary of Defense James Mattis came home to find his Nikes on the curb and his car engulfed in flames à la Waiting to Exhale.

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“This motherfucker is psychotic. I bet you there’s serial killers less anal.”
Screenshot: YouTube

Because on Sunday morning, our Commander-in-Tweet announced that not only is he replacing Mattis two months early, but he’s making things Facebook official with his replacement—Acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan—on New Years Day.

“I am pleased to announce that our very talented Deputy Secretary of Defense, Patrick Shanahan, will assume the title of Acting Secretary of Defense starting January 1, 2019,” he tweeted. “Patrick has a long list of accomplishments while serving as Deputy, & previously Boeing. He will be great!”

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This of course, comes on the heels of the diss track letter of resignation that Mattis released on Spotify Thursday—an eloquent read of the highest order in which he basically said 45 needs to hire people who’ll agree with him for a living.

In the letter, Mattis announced that he would retire at the end of February. But apparently his boss had other plans.

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“And keep talking that mess that’s fine

But could you walk and talk at the same time...”

According to CNN, Trump was pissed at all the coverage Mattis’ resignation garnered. And hell bent on wiping the egg off his face, pulled the trigger on Mattis’ immediate exit.

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“Standing in the front yard

Tellin’ me, how I’m such a fool

Talkin’ ‘bout, I’ll never ever find a man like you

You got me twisted...”

In a statement, Pentagon spokesman Col. Rob Manning said “the secretary of defense serves at the pleasure of the President. The department remains focused on national security.”

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As the “last adult” in a room that includes national security adviser HR McMaster, chief of staff John Kelly, and secretary of state Rex Tillerson, it’s easy to see why government officials, allies abroad, political scientists, and just about anyone else with The Internet or a newspaper is alarmed by Mattis’ exit.

However, Mattis’ resignation followed 45’s call for a full withdrawal of troops from Syria, in addition to consideration of a drawdown in Afghanistan.

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“You must not know about me, you must not know about me...”

But with Mattis serving as the latest domino to fall in an administration that has gone through more members than Dru Hill, I guess we’ll see how long Patrick “The Substitute Teacher” Shanahan lasts.

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“I can have another you by tomorrow

So don’t you ever for a second get to thinking

You’re irreplaceable...”

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About the author

Jay Connor

Menace to supremacy. Founder of Extraordinary Ideas and co-host and producer of The Extraordinary Negroes podcast. Impatiently waiting for ya'll to stop putting sugar in grits.