U.S. Defense Secretary Jim Mattis listens as U.S. President Donald Trump answers questions during a meeting with military leaders in the Cabinet Room on October 23, 2018 in Washington, DC.
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

On Thursday afternoon, your “president” got on Twitter to announce that Secretary of Defense James Mattis would be “retiring” at the end of February.

“General Jim Mattis will be retiring, with distinction, at the end of February, after having served my Administration as Secretary of Defense for the past two years. During Jim’s tenure, tremendous progress has been made, especially with respect to the purchase of new fighting....,” Trump wrote.

“....equipment. General Mattis was a great help to me in getting allies and other countries to pay their share of military obligations. A new Secretary of Defense will be named shortly. I greatly thank Jim for his service!” he continued in a follow-up tweet.

It would appear that the village idiot and Mr. Mattis have differing opinions as to what is actually happening here.

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Mattis wrote a letter of resignation that is so full of subtle shade, I’m surprised the Atlantic was able to even see it so they could reproduce it on its site. He uses big words that will fly so far over the “president’s” head, he likely won’t even realize he is the subject of what could easily be turned into one of hip-hop’s greatest diss records.

Let’s just hope that one of Trump’s handlers is able to do a thorough enough book report on this read.

For the rest of you, you have me to break it down for you.

Dear Mr. President:

I have been privileged to serve as our country’s 26th Secretary of Defense which has allowed me to serve alongside our men and women of the Department in defense of our citizens and our ideals.

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But not you, you punk ass bitch.

I am proud of the progress that has been made over the past two years on some of the key goals articulated in our National Defense Strategy: putting the Department on a more sound budgetary footing, improving readiness and lethality in our forces, and reforming the Department’s business practices for greater performance. Our troops continue to provide the capabilities needed to prevail in conflict and sustain strong US global influence.

I know you probably don’t understand any of this, you loon. I’m just putting it here because it outlines all that I was able to accomplish without your bumbling and idiotic meddling.

One core belief I have always held is that our strength as a nation is inextricably linked to the strength of our unique and comprehensive system of alliances and partnerships. While the US remains the indispensable nation in the free world, we cannot protect our interests or serve that role effectively without maintaining strong alliances and showing respect to those allies. Like you, I have said from the beginning that the armed forces of the United States should not be the policeman of the world. Instead, we must use all tools of American power to provide for the common defense, including providing effective leadership to our alliances. NATO’s 29 democracies demonstrated that strength in their commitment to fighting alongside us following the 9-11 attack on America. The Defeat-ISIS coalition of 74 nations is further proof.

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Listen. You are out here fucking it up for everybody with your dumb ass. People use to look up to our country. We had many friends. In the short two years that you have been in office, you have managed to tear down all our good working relationships with other countries. You are the worst.

Similarly, I believe we must be resolute and unambiguous in our approach to those countries whose strategic interests are increasingly in tension with ours. It is clear that China and Russia, for example, want to shape a world consistent with their authoritarian model—gaining veto authority over other nations’ economic, diplomatic, and security decisions—to promote their own interests at the expense of their neighbors, America and our allies. That is why we must use all the tools of American power to provide for the common defense.

Like, for real though. What are you out here doing? You really sold us out to Russia, you punk bitch, and you continue to do it every single day. I don’t even know how you have not been impeached yet. YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE. You are clearly the oldest senior at Moscow High School, but you keep hanging out on our campus and using us in your bid to get Vladimir Putin to finally accept your promposal. You are a mess.

My views on treating allies with respect and also being clear-eyed about both malign actors and strategic competitors are strongly held and informed by over four decades of immersion in these issues. We must do everything possible to advance an international order that is most conducive to our security, prosperity and values, and we are strengthened in this effort by the solidarity of our alliances.

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Clearly, I am the adult in the room as far as this goes. You allow your ego to determine how you act toward other people, and that’s not presidential or diplomatic at all. You are new to this. I been true to this.

Because you have the right to a Secretary of Defense whose views are better aligned with yours on these and other subjects, I believe it is right for me to step down from my position. The end date for my tenure is February 28, 2019, a date that should allow sufficient time for a successor to be nominated and confirmed as well as to make sure the Department’s interests are properly articulated and protected at upcoming events to include Congressional posture hearings and the NATO Defense Ministerial meeting in February. Further, that a full transition to a new Secretary of Defense occurs well in advance of the transition of Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in September in order to ensure stability within the Department.

I don’t fuck with you, and I can’t even front on this shit no more. I just can’t do it. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you—you cool—fuck you. I’m out.

I pledge my full effort to a smooth transition that ensures the needs and interests of the 2.15 million Service Members and 732,079 DoD civilians receive undistracted attention of the Department at all times so that they can fulfill their critical, round-the-clock mission to protect the American people.

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This is bigger than you, you tiny little man, and it’s about time you realized it. People’s lives are involved here. Get your ass off your shoulders, you stupid piece of shit. You don’t do anything but rage-tweet. Our soldiers do all the work. Get somewhere and sit down.

I very much appreciate this opportunity to serve the nation and our men and women in uniform.

James N. Mattis

I really don’t appreciate shit, but you can’t end a letter without a pleasantry—and “die in a fire you stupid sack of shit”—would be conduct unbecoming, so there you go.

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Find somebody else to do this shit. I’m done.

And there you have it. James Mattis quit his job and called the president out on his bullshit at the same damn time.

The revolving door of the employment office in the Trump administration continues to spin. Who will be next?