President Donald Trump points to US Senator Tim Scott, left, Republican of South Carolina, alongside US Senator Lindsey Graham, right, Republican of South Carolina, during a Keep America Great campaign rally at the North Charleston Coliseum in North Charleston, South Carolina, February 28, 2020.
President Donald Trump points to US Senator Tim Scott, left, Republican of South Carolina, alongside US Senator Lindsey Graham, right, Republican of South Carolina, during a Keep America Great campaign rally at the North Charleston Coliseum in North Charleston, South Carolina, February 28, 2020.
Photo: SAUL LOEB (Getty Images)

On Monday, the Pied Piper of the Coronavirus claimed that he had “total authority” over all of the land. As Republicans raised their chalices to the Dollar Tree dictator masquerading as president, anyone in America with a double-digit number of teeth and the ability to read without moving their mouth looked at each other like, “Fuck is this bitch talking about now?”

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Trump still claims that he shut down states during the ongoing coronavirus pandemic and, in turn, was the only one who could open those states back up. Like a black dad walking around the house in an undershirt and pleated church pants, he wanted the rest of the house to get in line. However, governors everywhere looked at the president and burst out laughing while asking: “Whose mans is this?!”

They quickly informed him that he wasn’t the person who shut down states and he wasn’t the one that was going to reopen them. And their proof? Oh, just a little thing that Trump continues to wipe his untanned ass with known to the rest of the world as the Constitution.

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Undeterred, Trump then rolled out here and noted he was going to “authorize” the governors to decide when to open the states, to which governors laughed and exclaimed, “How the fuck is he going to authorize us to do something we always had the power to do?”

So in this spirit, The Root senior writer Michael Harriot and I have looked at all the things President Trump has “authorized”:

Both Sides Act of 2020: The White House quietly issued an executive order that designates white supremacist groups as official arms of the Republican Party. Trump’s new proposal also gives the Justice Department the authority to declare Black Lives Matter, Colin Kaepernick, the Democratic Party, “The Squad” and any non-sports gathering of more than two non-white people as a “terrorist caravan.” Diamond and Silk were specifically excluded, as well as Surgeon General Jerome Allen’s apparently crack-smoking, binge-drinking “Big Mama” and “Pop-Pop.”

Juvenile Justice: In a stunning recess appointment, Trump gave Cash Money Records the sole authority to take over the 99 and the 2000s. Although his proclamation didn’t list any caveats, cabinet officials noted that the order to “back dat azz up” will only apply to those who have successfully applied for the federal designation of “big fine woman.”

Open Relationships: President Trump has authorized all former exes to date other people. We all know how hard it can be to get over someone as perfect as we are, but President Trump has authorized you to try.

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The Beyoncé Doctrine: White House staff says the president is currently working on a number of ways to court the much sought-after Beyhive vote in the 2020 election. They didn’t offer any specifics, but insiders familiar with the campaign say President Trump not only is leaning toward authorizing ladies to get in formation, but he may counterbalance the preliminary policies with a presidential decree giving all Americans who “like it,” the option of putting a ring on it. However, the doctrine only applies to those who can effectively demonstrate that they are “ready for this jelly.”

African-American parental murder rights: Not only did Trump rescind the rights of all children who previously went “in and out that door,” but his newly signed authorization grants black mothers the privilege to remove their children from the face of the earth. While civil liberties advocates criticized the law as excessive, the legislative fine print only grants “take you out” authority to those who “brought you into this world.”

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The “Stop Sonning Me” Law: This law bans Yamiche Alcindor from all press conferences.

The Lindsey Graham Executive Order: In a private ceremony, Sen. Lindsey Graham was authorized to continue wearing his leather submissive outfit around the White House, while wearing a ball gag. In a statement to The Root, the South Carolina senator said: “Mugfjkemmmm. Mmrtgggfhg.”

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Religious Freedom Funds: White House advisers have hinted that the president may authorize funding for broadband blessings. The proposed “mainline” will allow evangelicals to tell Jesus what they want. The proposal also includes block grants that not only give Jesus the authority to “fix it,” but authorizes a select number of people to have a blessed day.

While Trump resisted authorizing a pardon for famed tiger aficionado and likely Trump supporter Joe Exotic, other presidential “authorizations” include designating KFC employees as “essential workers,” making Fox News exempt from telling the truth and granting a 30-day period of not doing shit for any head of state facing a global pandemic.

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When asked why he was “authorizing” everything instead of focusing on the rapidly spreading coronavirus, Trump turned away from the Netflix movie he was watching and said he knew who was responsible for COVID-19:

“That bitch Carole Baskin.”

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