Illustration for article titled Trump Accomplice Michael Cohen Sentenced to 3 Years in Prison
Photo: Drew Angerer (Getty Images)

Despite singing like he’s the real king of R&B, President Trump’s personal fixer and former lawyer, also known as the human flea, Michael Cohen, has been sentenced to three years in prison for crimes committed during his tenure with dirty dog President Trump.


During an emotional and teary-eyed plea to U.S. District Judge William H. Pauley III, Cohen noted that he takes “full responsibility” for his actions but added that he believed it was his job to cover up for the president’s “dirty deeds,” which kind of negates the concept of taking full responsibility.

Also, considering this news, is it fair to refer to Cohen as Trump’s “fixer?” The payments to Stormy Daniels were discovered by the media. The proposed Moscow Trump Tower fell through. Mueller knows about the secret payments to purchase the stories of Trump’s paramours. What the hell did he fix?


“I take full responsibility for each act that I pled guilty to: The personal ones to me and those involving the President of the United States of America,” he said, Fox 8 reports.

“This may seem hard to believe, but today is one of the most meaningful days of my life,” Cohen added. “I have been living in a personal and mental incarceration ever since the day that I accepted the offer to work for a real estate mogul whose business acumen that I deeply admired.”

Cohen was also ordered to pay nearly $2 million in financial penalties for his crimes. The judge noted that given Cohen’s profession and his repeated offenses, he shouldn’t be given leniency just because he’s decided to come clean after being caught.

The Washington Post reports:

“Our democratic institutions depend upon the honesty of our citizenry in dealing with the government,” Pauley said.

“As a lawyer, Mr. Cohen should have known better. Tax evasion undercuts the government’s ability to provide essential services upon which we all depend,” the judge said. “While Mr. Cohen is taking steps to mitigate his criminal conduct by pleading guilty and volunteering useful information to prosecutors, that does not wipe the slate clean.”

“Mr. Cohen selected the information he disclosed to the government. This court cannot agree with the defendant’s assertion that no jail time is warranted. In fact this court firmly believes that a significant term of imprisonment is fully justified in this highly publicized case to send a message,” the judge said.


Cohen “pleaded guilty in August to two campaign finance violations tied to payments he had made or orchestrated to women during the campaign to stay silent about alleged sexual encounters with Trump, five counts of tax fraud and one count of making false statements to a bank,” Fox 8 reports.

Cohen noted that the payments were at the direction of Trump. Cohen also pleaded guilty last month to a charge from special counsel Robert Mueller’s office that he lied to Congress about how long discussions between Russian officials about a Trump Tower in Moscow actually lasted.


While Cohen doesn’t have to report to jail until March 2019, he made sure to answer Trump’s tweet that called him weak for taking a plea deal during his comments to the judge.

“Recently the President tweeted a statement calling me weak and it was correct but for a much different reason than he was implying. It was because time and time again I felt it was my duty to cover up his dirty deeds,” Cohen said.


If Cohen doesn’t shut his bout-to-go-to-prison ass up... This is what happens when you lie down with presidential dogs.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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