You’re going to look at the video below and say to yourself, “I’ll watch this later.”
You’re making a mistake.
If you are having a bad day, this will make it better. If your day is going well, this will make it glorious. Many people are calling this the funniest video of all time. And by “many people” I mean “everyone who has watched it.”
When amateur sleuth and “volunteer reporter” Rhoda Young decided to launch her own arson investigation/reality show/live report from the scene of a Norfolk, Va., house fire, subsequently solving the crime while reporting live, it became an instant hit.
The video is too full of laughs to break it down minute by minute. Instead, we decided to highlight the most hilarious moments of the crime scene investigation before this woman earns her Emmy nomination for her new show, Rhoda Young Reports.
10. Her Cameraman/Producer
Young’s faithful but silent cameraman is only shown at the beginning and the end of the video. Not only does he drive her to the scene, but he somehow doesn’t shake the camera laughing the entire time. Truly the Robin to Young’s Batman, not even his handlebar mustache can distract our hero from getting to the bottom of the crime.
9. “We on the Scene of This Bitch ... ”
Why can’t every live broadcast begin like this? It is my new favorite saying. When I arrive at work, home or the grocery store, for at least the next few weeks I will hop out of the car and proudly announce, “We on the scene of this bitch!”
Sadly, some rapper is going to steal it and turn it into the new “Hov is in the building!”
8. The Precise Location of the Crime
“Right now we’re on Ruth and ... um ... another street.”
While you may think it’s imprecise or unprofessional, that’s all we need to know. I put that into Google Maps and it turns out the home in question is actually located off another street. So there.
7. She Did More Than Solve the Crime and Report on It
Don’t you dare minimize Young’s efforts to simply being a crime scene reporter and a detective. She told the firemen where to spray the water. She insisted, “I need to get this street blocked off.” She told them to call the power company. Do you think professional firefighters would have thought about putting water on a fire without Young’s help?
I think not.
6. Her Spidey Senses
A black woman’s intuition is like a lie detector inside Sherlock Holmes’ mind. You can’t bullshit them. Rhoda Young knew something was up when she saw the dude calmly drinking a beer on the lawn watching his home go up in flames.
5. Her Quotables
- “Oh, shit fuck! I almost went down!”
- “The house is fully engorged.”
- Young repeatedly informs us that the blaze “is in full active duty.” Some people are making fun of this, but I understood what she meant. This wasn’t a reserve fire. This fire wasn’t in the National Guard for one weekend a month, two weeks a year. It was full active duty. It was enlisted.
- “Once again, that’s the owner, drunk as a motherfucker, done burned up the whole damn house.”
- But the best one is when someone tells her to use “allegedly” and she runs wild with it: “Allegedly this man set his house on fire. He has allegedly been placed under arrest. He allegedly admitted to setting his house on fire.”
4. Her Interrogation Technique
I have an important question: Was Young live? She only says “We are live” 109,393 times, so I can’t be sure.
Like a seasoned interrogator, Young drew the man in with a hug and told him “Bless you.” She coerced the man into revealing details about the fire because he was disarmed by her charm. As a Caucasian, he didn’t even recognize the telltale sign that a black woman is about to find out everything about you when Young said: “Now lemme ask you something ... ”
3. I Almost Filed Murder Charges Against Rhoda Young
When she said:
He was upstairs when the fire started and the fire started upstairs. During my investigation, I have now discovered: His muthafucking hair was on fire and his pants is burnt off his damn leg. So he was right there when the fire started and he got a six-pack of goddamn PBR! So now I gotta figure out how the hell he started that damn fire!
I died, y’all. My heart stopped beating and everything. My soul was moving toward the eternal light. The only reason I returned to the plane of the living is because I really wanted to see Young solve this crime.
2. The Moment They Put the Handcuffs on the Guy
I wanted to stand up and cheer. This was the greatest episode of CSI: Black Woman ever!
1. Rhoda Young Is Black People
Young kept reminding everyone that she solved the crime, but only because she actually solved the crime. Her labor made it easier for everyone and actually saved lives, so she can’t understand why everyone around her seems mad at her. They weren’t hugging her and thanking her for her efforts. She proudly announced that she did the best job she could, and all she wanted was a little bit of gratitude and respect.