If such a thing as Hell exists, then there must be an entrance. And if there is an entrance to the mythical Hades, one could imagine that there is a line at the door. And if there is a line at the door, then there must be a VIP entrance that is probably patrolled by brawny doormen who once guarded Hitler, Roger Ailes and the person who invented Clamato. And the security personnel must have a list filled with the names of future patrons who can skip the line, including Donald Trump, Joffrey Baratheon (no one is that good an actor) and the Clamato chemist (if he isn’t dead yet.)
But not Audra Adams.
Audra Adams is going to Heaven because she is a child of God. Only the Most High could have created such a perfect example of Karen-ness. Audra Adams is a Karen turducken. She is a Becky wrapped in Karen, seasoned with zest of Ashley, rolled in Kayleigh crumbs and then deep-fried in a vat of Madison. She is a funhouse mirror of white girlness.
If a Lena Dunham had a baby with Dog the Bounty Hunter and allowed it to be raised by the Beverly Hillbillies, it would probably be named Brett. But when Brett became a sophomore in college, he’d meet a girl named Zoey at a Beta Chi keg party. Zoey would be cute but kind of quirky and she would be wearing cutoff denim Daisy Dukes, a tank top and a tattered straw cowboy hat. And, after a few drinks, Brett would tell Zoey: “Let’s get out of here and go someplace quiet.”
But Zoey would say that she came with her BFF, Audra. And they’d both look across the room at Audra, who was also wearing a straw cowboy hat and a tank top, but her cutoff denim Daisy Dukes would be all white. And Audra would notice them looking at her, hold her red, beer-filled cup in the air and say:
Audra Adams is the greatest Karen of all time.
Don’t debate me on this.
Fox News takes it from here:
Police in Melbourne, Fla., arrested Audra Adams, 32, on charges of trespassing and disorderly conduct, among other charges, after responding to the Monkey Bar and Grill on the night of May 12, where they found Adams in the parking lot, refusing to leave, according to arrest records shared with Fox News.
The bar’s owner told police that Adams had tried to kiss “random” patrons inside the bar before she was asked to leave. Adams initially refused, but then wandered into the parking lot, where she continued to refuse to leave, according to the arrest report. Police offered to call her a cab, or phone her family to come pick her up, but instead she sat on the ground and stated that she would not go.
During this time, she also phoned 911 a total of five times, including once after the police had already responded to the bar, and once again when police were questioning her in the parking lot. When one of the responding officers asked why she was calling 911, she said she “felt the bar was not practicing social distancing or following the guidelines to be open.”
Oh, how I love Audra. Let me count the ways.
- Her name: She is actually named Audra Adams, which means her initials are literally AA. But Audra doesn’t play that anonymous bullshit when she consumes alcohol. She probably believes she was special all her life because teachers, doctors and the booking officers at the county jail always made sure she was first for everything. Audra probably still has no idea that it was because those people were going in alphabetical order.
- Audra is spreading love: She doesn’t give a damn about your coronavirus concerns because she knows that love can cure COVID-19. even if you don’t consent to kisses that taste like Marlboro Reds, Pabst Blue Ribbon and smallpox blankets.
- Audra wants to leave, but not yet: WKMG reports that “Adams left the bar but refused to leave the parking lot even after she was told about the trespassing warning, telling officers, “I’ll sit in the parking lot all night.” Drunk people always say they “just wanna go home” but you can never get them into the car. And they always sit on the ground.
- She wants it all: Audra wants to socially distance while kissing people and wants the cops to shut down the bar because they don’t want to fully open up the economy.
- She’s part of the ambiance: If someone told me I was going to a place called the Monkey Bar and Grill in Indialantic, Fla. I would be disappointed if there wasn’t a white girl in the parking lot throwing up while insisting to the person holding her two-tone ponytail that she was OK to drive.
- And here is the greatest sentence of all time: After she literally spoke to the manager, Audra actually left the bar while she “continued to refuse to leave” but then allegedly attempted to “flee after she was handcuffed,” after being arrested for repeatedly and illegally calling the police...On the police!
Goddamned if she isn’t the Karen-est Karen who ever Karened.
In fact, this is either proof that we are living in the simulation or that Audra somehow opened a wormhole in the Karen-Becky continuum. She has set the bar so high for future drunken escapades that I am more than comfortable saying that this level of greatness will never be achieved again by any “Florida Woman.”
Audra Adams was charged with trespassing after warning, disorderly conduct, resisting an officer without violence and misuse of the 911 system.
She was released on the same day she was arrested and was subsequently inducted into the Florida Woman Hall of Fame.
She will be missed.
(Nothing happened. But I do miss her.)