The Unofficial Guide to Whitesplaining Racism

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Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich.) was born in Detroit. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was born in the Bronx. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass.) was born in Cincinnati, Ohio. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.) immigrated to America in 1992 and became an American citizen in 2000, six years before Donald Trump’s wife.

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They are all Americans.

Seventy-eight percent of the members who serve in Congress are white, including 24 of the 52 members who are immigrants or the children of immigrants. Separating these four women out from what President Donald Trump called the “greatest and most powerful nation” and telling them to “go back” to the “totally broken and crime-infested” countries “from which they came” was not only an example of prejudice, discrimination and antagonism, but shows that he was targeting these duly-elected congresswomen for one reason:

They are not white.

And that is why Donald Trump’s tweet was, by definition, undeniably racist.

After publishing the tweet, the president wholeheartedly denied that he was a racist, even going through a medical exam to confirm that he is, in fact, free of racist bone disease.

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Meanwhile, Trump’s Republican cohorts and his conservative minions concocted a childish game of “the tweets are lava” to avoid calling Trump’s bigoted rants what they are. But while others condemn the GOP’s cowardly attempts at truth-avoidance, The Root decided to highlight the positive aspects of pervasive race-dodging by compiling a handy-dandy guide that can serve future generations of Caucasians who desperately want to whitesplain why they, too, cannot be racist.

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Step 1: Don’t EVER say the word “racist.”

One of the lesser-known benefits of white privilege is that, at birth, Caucasian children are given an unabridged version of the wypipo thesaurus that contains, among other things, a boundless supply of euphemisms for the r-word. The Wall Street Journal apparently gives its headline writers a pocket-sized version of this reference book, which may be why they described the president’s tweets as “racially charged.” While this euphemism seems inappropriate, my research as a board-certified wypipologist indicates that it is technically correct. If electric cars are charged electrically, then discrimination is fueled by racism, which technically means that all acts of white supremacy are “racially charged.”

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Other techniques include:

  • Use a lot of synonyms besides “racist”: When asked if Trump’s tweets were racist, Utah Sen. Mitt Romney said: “A lot of people have been using the word. My own view is: That what was said and what was tweeted destructive, was demeaning, was disunifying and frankly was very wrong,” reports the Washington Post.
  • Use a sports analogy: Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) called up his tennis references and said: “I think what the president said was a mistake and an unforced error and that’s about the total of my thoughts.”
  • Get as close to racist as you can: Rep. Tim Scott (R-S.C.) called the tweets “racially offensive,” which is a way of characterizing Trump’s comments by the reaction to them and not the damage they cause.
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Rep. Will Hurd of Texas, one of only two black House Republicans, called the tweets “racist and xenophobic,” according to CNN.

But again, he wasn’t born with a wypipo thesaurus.

Step 2: Prove you’re not racist.

One of the most popular ways to rebut accusations of racism is to provide undeniable evidence of your impartiality. Mike Pence aide Marc Short defended the president’s tweets by reminding Fox Business viewers that Trump hired a Chinese woman to work in his cabinet.

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And of course, the “one of my best friends is black” defense works perfectly, especially if you can get negroes to vouch for you along with visual proof:

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See, he can’t be racist if he is interacting with smiling negroes. Maybe we were all wrong.

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Step 3: Deflect.

There are four deflection strategies that work really well:

  • The “But What About” technique: When things get really hairy, feel free to bring up, communism, the murder rate in Chicago, how the KKK was originally composed of Democrats and, if all else fails, Barack Obama.
  • Lie: Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell simply said: “The president is not a racist.” It must be true because he said it. See how easy that was?
  • Ignore the racism part: Trump’s deputy director of communications pushed back against claims of racism by pretending he didn’t see the part of Trump’s tweet that told the four women to “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime-infested places from which they came.”
  • Run: Like Mitt Romney:
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Step 4: Redefine racism.

One of the more reliable methods of obfuscating prejudice is to simply change the meaning of words. To accuse a Caucasian of racism, the conventional wisdom is that they must be yelling the n-word while spitting in the face of a newborn black baby as they are basking in the glow of a flaming cross they planted on your lawn after you have proven that they don’t have a black friend, niece, nephew or co-worker. Otherwise, it doesn’t count as racism.

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Trump explained that his tweets were not racist because “many people agree with me,” a position echoed by GOP Rep. James Comer (R-Ky.), who told CNN that Trump’s tweets were not racist because Trump’s supporters liked the tweets, saying that the tweets were simply “politically incorrect.” Trump adviser and Skeletor cosplayer, Kellyanne Conway, denied her boss’ racism by explaining that she knows “his heart.” Others insist that Trump can’t be racist because the economy is doing so well.

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Of course, in 1860, the economy was doing great and black unemployment was very low. I’m sure black people weren’t complaining then.

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Step 5: Point out the “real racists.”

You should be aware that this Jedi mind trick-like tactic only works on stormtroopers and white people. When confronted with allegations of discrimination, simply remind the accuser that they are the actual ones who are racist.

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In the Caucasian hierarchy of societal infractions, pointing out their racism is worse than actual racism. This kind of gaslighting has worked well over the years. Every single person who has ever fought for justice and equality has been painted as an anti-white troublemaker. Famous inductees into the Real Racism Hall of Fame include Malcolm X, Marcus Garvey, the Black Panthers and the Freedom Riders. More recently, the founders of Black Lives Matter, the entire staff of The Root and the casting director for the upcoming film The Little Mermaid have received nominations.

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If you use these techniques, you will be able to sleep well at night. There is only one other tried-and-true technique that is definitively proven to squash all accusations of racism:

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Just don’t be racist.

But of course...

Who does that?

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.