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The Trumps Are Eating Goya Beans, and I Need Someone to Fix the Flux Capacitor and Get Us the Hell Out of 2020

Illustration for article titled The Trumps Are Eating Goya Beans, and I Need Someone to Fix the Flux Capacitor and Get Us the Hell Out of 2020
Image: Staff (Getty Images)

If you had Trump hawking Goya products on your 2020 bingo card, then I would like you to email me at stephen.crockett@theroot.com as I’m going to need three-digit and four-digit numbers to play before 8 p.m. ET. Seriously, what the fuck is going on? Has anyone seen Doc so he can come fix the goddamn flux capacitor and get us that hell out of this bizarro 2020?!

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Seriously, I believe that there is an alternate universe 2020 in which the president is Hillary Clinton and she’s about to lose her office to Kamala Harris. Right now, though, we are stuck in this shitty as version in which the president—during a global pandemic in which he and his cronies continue to fail to do anything to slow the spread of the virus—posed with some fucking Goya products all because the CEO of the Hispanic-owned food brand is a Trump supporter.

The beans obviously didn’t sit well with at least one CNN host.

“You tell me how a president, in the middle of a pandemic, has got time for this bullshit. Are you kidding me? Hawking products?” Chris Cuomo, the host of Cuomo Prime Time asked. He added, “Resolute desk! This is what he’s resolute about,” the Washington Post reports.

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Seriously, look at the president of people whose taste buds are about to blow straight the fuck out of the back of their mouths with all those Latinx flavors:

After Goya’s CEO Robert “Big Goya” Unanue praised the president (triggering a boycott), Trump, his children and White House officials have taken to social media to suck up to the brand they knew nothing about before the vote of confidence, the Post reports.

On Wednesday, the president tweeted “The Radical Left smear machine backfired, people are buying like crazy!” Donald Trump Jr., aka “Fuck this guy,” took to Instagram late Wednesday to claim that his dinner including “a lot of Goya products,” but he’s probably lying because everyone knows that Goya products don’t go well with eel spline and fox blood.

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“I’m actually drinking my Goya Malta, supporting some people who have some guts in the culture war,” said Trump Jr., showing off the nonalcoholic malt beverage. “[I] like those that have guts, it’s sort of nice. Unfortunately, it’s lacking these days, but it’s okay. When we win, we’ll be able to enforce that a little bit better.”

What the fuck are you enforcing, Don Jr.? Guts? GTFOHDJYOUPUNKASSBITCH.

Ivanka Trump, who has truly grown into a fine woman since her last appearance on Dr. Phil’s program in which she became famous for her catchphrase “Catch me outside, how bout dat?,” was also shown holding a can of Goya beans on her social media with the caption, “If it’s Goya, it has to be good.” Many believe that the photo and caption is a clear violation of federal ethics laws, which don’t allow for federal employees “to endorse any product, service or enterprise,” the Post reports.

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“Only the media and the cancel culture movement would criticize Ivanka for showing her personal support for a company that has been unfairly mocked, boycotted and ridiculed for supporting this administration—one that has consistently fought for and delivered for the Hispanic community,” White House spokeswoman Carolina Hurley said. “Ivanka is proud of this strong, Hispanic-owned business with deep roots in the U.S. and has every right to express her personal support.”

Who are they kidding? The Trumps didn’t know who the fuck Goya was until Big Goya ran out here bootlicking; now, they are all “Goya this” and “Goya that.” Don Jr. is literally out here drinking a malta and 2020 can’t come to an end fast enough!

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[News Editor Monique Judge: I’m really pissed that “This nigga eating beans!” did not make it into this story]

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

JackRabbitSlim323
JackRabbitSlim323

My Abuelita side-eyes anyone who uses beans or salsa out of a can. If you can’t make it from scratch why bother. That’s the real secret to our cuisine when done the hard and proper way, the fear of our moms, abuelitas, and tias.