The Trump/Biden/Ukraine Story, Explained Via Game of Thrones

Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

As the story behind Donald Trump’s alleged request asking Ukraine’s president to interfere in the 2020 U.S. presidential race grows more convoluted, we thought we’d explain it with a slightly less fantastic metaphor—Game of Thrones.

What is Ukraine?

Ukraine is a country in Eastern Europe that gained its independence from the Soviet Union in 1991. It separates the European Union (the Seven Kingdoms) from present-day Russia (the Land Beyond the Wall). Much like The North, Ukraine is an independent state which refuses to bend the knee to anyone. But for a number of reasons, Vladimir “the Night King” Putin is intent on taking over Ukraine in his quest to turn Europe into communist White Walkers and institute the Long Communist Night, against the wishes of the international non-zombie community.

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In 2014, violent protests evolved into a full-scale Ukrainian Revolution against then-President Viktor Yanukovych, who will be played by Ramsay Bolton in this analogy. After widespread protests, anti-corruption investigations, and Ukrainian citizens’ refusals to bend the knee, Yanukovych was ousted and eventually fled to Russia.

How did Trump get involved?

Trump is essentially Cersei Lannister.

Trump wants power and—like Cersei—he will do anything to get it, including joining forces with the Night King. He really doesn’t care about the Night King’s interests but is willing to use them to destroy his political rivals. So, In spite of the fact that the U.S. government’s official position supports Ukrainian independence, Trump has repeatedly taken Russia’s side in that beef. Before Paul Manafort became Trump’s campaign manager, he spent years working for Yanukovych, essentially as a chief pro-Night King propagandist. Even before Trump became president, the Trump campaign quietly changed the Republican platform to weaken America’s support for Ukrainian forces fighting against the Night King.

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I get it! So how does Joe Biden fit into this?

Before Trump took office, the U.S. was run by Barack Obama, a brave but flawed king. In 2014, Barack Obama made Joe Biden the point man on all things involving Ukraine. At the same time, Joe Biden’s not-so-bright son, Hunter, took a position on the board of a Ukrainian natural gas company that paid $50,000 per month.

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In 2016, the Ukrainian Parliament ousted Victor Shokin, one of the country’s top prosecutor generals. A rumor began to spread that Joe Biden was somehow behind this because Shokin had previously investigated the owner of the gas holdings company that hired Hunter Biden. However, Shokin was said to be “soft on corruption” by many people in the international community after many of his underlings had been convicted of taking bribes including cash and diamonds.

The Trump administration’s Master of Whisperers allege that Hunter got the job because his father was Hand of the King. Previously, Hunter somehow became a commissioned officer in the Navy at the tender age of 44 despite having a drug conviction and no prior military service. He eventually left the Navy when he tested positive for cocaine again.

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Although Hunter Biden seems to have a habit of falling up, no journalist or investigator has found any evidence that either he or his father Biden used their influence to gain political or financial favors in Ukraine.

I get it. Hunter Biden is Bran Stark! So what is his special power?

Hunter has a special power that allows him to warg into lucrative jobs. It’s called “white privilege.”

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Ouch. So what happened next?

Well, on August 12, an official inside the intelligence community filed a whistleblower complaint that Donald Trump “promised” something during a phone call with a foreign leader. However, the inspector general of the intelligence community suppressed the whistleblower’s “urgent concern” and refused to send a raven to Congress detailing the complaint.

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After calling the report “partisan” and “fake news, Trump publicly admitted that he pressured the Ukrainian government to investigate Joe and Hunter Biden. Furthermore, it seems as if Trump’s “promise” included a threat to continue withholding military aid unless the Ukrainian president launched an investigation. The aid to Ukraine helps fund the country fight against Russia, which keeps the Night King and his Russian army from invading Ukraine.

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So Trump essentially threatened to disband the Night’s Watch?

Basically. Ukrainian officials said they were blindsided when the aid didn’t arrive, explicitly explaining to the administration that winter is coming and Army of the Dead was close to breaching the wall, the New York Times reports.

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By making Ukraine’s foreign aid dependent on the country’s willingness to investigate a political rival, Donald Trump was essentially asking a foreign government to interfere in a U.S. election in exchange for money, which is the textbook definition of “quid pro quo.” Also, his actions closely resemble Richard Nixon’s articles of impeachment that not Nixon’s attempts to use illegal means for “the purpose of securing political intelligence” and use “the powers of his high office... to conceal the existence and scope of other unlawful covert activities”

However, the Republican Party is Trump’s Kings Guard and they have taken an oath to protect him, so there’s only one way to remove him from office

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Wait...Are you saying the Democrats are gonna have to find a dragon?

In this analogy, the dragon is impeachment.

Nancy Pelosi is gonna have to ignore the fact that the House Democrats are like the Unsullied and the Dothraki—half of them don’t have balls and the rest of them are to unorganized and rebellious. Sooner or later, she has to ignore the constant warnings that impeachment proceedings would tear the country apart. She has to stop listening to the people who caution that her strategy would backfire.

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Sometimes you have to burn everything down to stop a crazed, arrogant, evil tyrant.

OK, I get it. But when all of this is done, who will sit on the Iron Throne?

I don’t know.

Probably some white dude.

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.