The Seven Kingdoms News Roundup: May 13, 2019

Image: Michael Harriot/HBO

NATIONAL NEWS

Travel Ban, Border Wall Fails to Stop Terrorist Attack by Immigrants

Thousands are dead and many more are reported missing after a deadly dragon attack left King’s Landing defenseless despite the Lannister administration’s travel ban against Targaryens, a billion-dollar border wall and Cersei Lannister’s insistence on sending troops to the border after rumors spread of a Dothraki/Unsullied caravan.

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The nightmare began early Sunday morning in the harbor when Mother’s Day beachgoers noticed a large flying beast emerging from the clouds and destroying a large portion of the Iron Fleet. At the same time, a large number of immigrants showed up at the border wall. When the Kingsguard and the Lannister Army went to meet them, the dragon released the power of chronic halitosis on the brave defenders, killing them instantly.

Once the walls were breached, the immigrant horde began doing exactly what many citizens feared. Led by a literal spear chucker and terrorist Dothraki, the heathens set upon the city, engaging in a raping and pillaging spree that the good white citizens of Westeros have never seen. Even when city officials rang the bell, effectively giving up, the Dragon Queen showed no mercy.

Political leaders from around the world reacted on social media to the devastating news:

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Volunteers from various organizations have begun rescue operations to locate the missing, including Cersei Lannister, who was last seen wearing a new red cape in the bay window like she was waiting on a delivery from Uber Eats. We will update this story throughout the day.

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Is This All the Dragon Queen’s Fault?

After witnessing the devastation of our fair city by that woman riding a dragon, I cannot help but wonder if much of this could have been prevented by more responsive leadership. Before Cersei dismantled the small council, as Master of Laws, Renly Baratheon warned for years against the rolling back of regulations on the building codes in King’s Landing to no avail. While some suggested that there was no need to dragon-proof commercial buildings, it is evident that sprinkler systems could have saved a lot of lives. Furthermore, I have warned about the dangerous practice of storing the highly combustible wildfire under the city since the Battle of Blackwater.

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And why were all the scorpion defense missiles not fired at the same time? The soldiers should have been practicing this ever since they heard that there were actual dragons in the area. It makes no sense. This failure lies directly at the feet of the Defense Department. Where were the first responders? I didn’t see any firemen, cops or even paramaesters helping people.

Is there any word on what happened to our fair queen? Even though most experts say it’s just a conspiracy theory—there might be some truth to the rumors that others were involved. We should investigate the possibility that this was a government plot to get us into a war and depose Sansa Stark. I’ve never seen bricks crumble from fire alone. Did you see Tower Number Seven at the Red Keep fall? It looked like a controlled demolition to me, and not dragon fire. I’m starting to believe this was an inside job.

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I call upon city leaders to implement an infrastructure plan that will rebuild homes and protect our citizens from anything like this happening in the future.

Sincerely,

Someone who doesn’t want to be flame broiled

ENTERTAINMENT

Bran Stark’s Movie Review

The new film, Attack on King’s Landing will be released on Ravenflix in a few years but I was allowed to stream an advanced copy of the movie because I am, after all, the Three-Eyed Raven and they couldn’t stop me if they wanted to. I didn’t see the credits but it was like if M. Night Shyamalan directed a script by Tyler Perry.

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Anyway, the movie is basically a disaster film where a lot of white people fall down and buildings crumble. There are also swords. One of the failures in the plot is that they don’t quite know how dragons can spit fire and make the buildings explode. It’s like the dragon is burping up nuclear bombs. The physics don’t make sense. How does a dragon cause an earthquake?

Plus, the writing leaves much to be desired. In a prequel to this movie, two of the queen’s dragons were killed by super-sized bow and arrows. So, of course, people built more dragon-killers. But somehow, in this version, the writers solved the problem of the dangerous, dragon-neutralizing feat of engineering in the laziest way possible:

She just ducks.

The villain of the movie is Cersei Lannister, who mostly stares out of the window in most of the film. She dies in a very unsatisfying way. Or maybe she doesn’t die at all. It felt like they were setting the story up for a sequel where Cersei gives birth under the rubble and is rescued when first responders hear a baby crying. The director spent an inordinate amount of time following another character, Arya Stark, who mostly just ran away from falling rocks. That was her entire story arc. I don’t even understand why she was in this movie. She didn’t kill anyone. She didn’t rescue anyone. She just got dusty.

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Even worse, after Arya escaped this incredibly dangerous situation that killed everyone around her, all of a sudden, in the middle of the carnage, there was a horse, not tied or tethered to anything, just standing there waiting for her, unscathed.

That was literally the end.

I give Attack on Kings Landing two out of five stars. It wasn’t nearly as good as the horror movie I watched a couple of weeks ago where my sister killed the Night King but it was a little better than the X-rated movie I watched starring Brienne of Tarth and Jamie Lannister.

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Next week: Tyler Perry Presents: Loqueesha, the White Madea.

GOSSIP

Is Khaleesi Crazy?

As the Seven Kingdom prepares for a new ruler to occupy the Iron Throne, anyone who has ever been close enough to Daenerys Targaryen can tell you that she has the crazy eyes often seen in white women like Carolyn Bryant Dunham, Kirstjen Nielsen and Kellyanne Conway. Anonymous sources have informed us that Jon Snow has been enjoying a healthy diet of Khaleesi cakes for months.

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Supposedly, everyone who gets close to the Targaryen trollop ends up dead, including her best friend, her brother, her dragons and even her faithful bodyguard who she kept stuck in the friend zone for years. She supposedly has a very hot temper and a few of the Dothraki told us that they stay loyal to her mostly because they like killing but they still hold a grudge from when she closed all the fire exits and burned a lot of their grandmothers and aunts in a horrendous blaze a few years ago.

Jon Snow should be careful, they say this chick is crazy.

Speaking of Jon Snow, a certain redhead from the North sent a raven to our offices saying that Jon Snow’s real name is Aegon Targaryen and he is the son of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen. Not only does this give him a rightful claim to the Iron Throne, but it also means that the Mother of Dragons is also the Auntie of Nasty. However, given the fact that Jamie Lannister allegedly impregnated his sister three times, the Breaker of Chains (and incest laws) smashing her nephew seems tame.

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SPORTS

UFC Heavyweight Championship Ends in Draw

Audiences were left disappointed on Saturday night when two of the Ultimate Feuding Championship’s main fights both ended in unsatisfying draws.

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Ser Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane (102-0-1) faced off against his younger brother, Sandor “The Hound” Clegane in a highly anticipated heavyweight matchup. Both men scored in the early rounds after The Mountain inadvertently killed his trainer, Maester Qyburn, by smashing his head on some ringside rubble. Although Cersei Lannister had ringside seats, she quickly left the arena as soon as the opening bell rang.

The Mountain, who fought Oberyn Martell to a draw in his previous match (both men died but the Mountain’s career was revived by his master and trainer), seemed to prevail off sheer strength and the fact that he was already dead. But the fight evened up when the brothers performed simultaneous, impromptu eye surgery on each other. The Hound ended the match when he decided not to take the stairway to heaven and, instead, treated his brother to a parachute-less tandem skydiving trip to the ground floor.

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The night’s undercard featured a seaside fight between Jamie Lannister and Euron Greyjoy. Both men had been cuckolded by Cersei and instead of going to Maury to decide the fatherhood of Cersei’s unborn baby, they decided to square off right there.

Jamie did well considering the fact that he only has one useful arm, although he didn’t use his gold hand to pimp-slap Euron as many fans had hoped. Euron managed to stab Jamie a few times but anyone who watches Game of Thrones knows that in the Seven Kingdoms most characters have at least 45 minutes of fighting left in them before they succumb to mortal stab wounds. In the Battle of Winterfell, Jorah Mormont killed 1,023 Wights with a sword in his sternum. Jamie managed a vicious comeback in the third round, leaving the decision in the hands of the judges. One judge scored the fight for Euron while two judges agreed that Jamie won because he walked away ... for a little while.

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Other results on the night were:

  • Grey Worm vs. Everybody: The Unsullied commander defeated 22 Kingsguard, all by TKO with nothing but a javelin and black rage.
  • Dothraki Swords vs. White Throats: The Dothraki horde avenged a recent loss to the White Walkers in a brutal battle where they used a combination of raping and pillaging.
  • Northern Soldiers vs. Kingsguard: To be fair, many of the people in the Lannister Army had thrown down their swords. But the North remembered.
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WEATHER

The North: Partly cloudy and with a 100 percent chance of cold-as-fuck. High of 22 degrees. Low of 9 degrees.

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Dorn: Mostly sunny with a high of 85 degrees. Zero percent chance of rain.

Iron Islands: Cloudy with a light drizzle turning into rain by afternoon. High of 53 degrees.

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King’s Landing: Fire. Ashy.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

  • King’s Landing School District schools will be closed tomorrow as will City Hall.
  • The Post Office will be closed and mail delivery will not resume until cleanup has ended because people don’t really have addresses right now.
  • Walmart will still be open.

OBITUARIES

Bartholomew Varys

Local authorities report that Lord Varys was rotisseried during a small cookout at Dragonstone last night. Varys served as Master of Whisperers in the Baratheon, Targaryen and the Lannister administrations. Born a slave, Varys became a eunuch when a sorcerer burned his genitals off at an early age, given new meaning to the phrase “great balls of fire.” Since then, Varys dedicated his life to spreading rumors, keeping his hands in his pockets and looking exactly how Sarah Huckabee Sanders would look if she shaved her head.

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He is survived by no one.

Missandei Jackson-Worm

Missandei Worm was publicly beheaded at the request of Cersei Lannister after she was taken hostage by the Iron Fleet. She has served as Daenerys Targaryen’s administrative assistant, adviser and hair-braider for years after she was rescued from slavery by Daenerys. Daenerys did not pay Missandei, so, technically, she was still a slave or, at the very least, a volunteer. She had no survivors because her life partner, Grey Worm, was busy with his job as commander of the Unsullied.

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Also, because he had no balls.

CLASSIFIEDS

Job Openings: We are hiring experienced brick masons, contractors, carpenters and anyone who is still alive. No background checks. Please call (837) 555-2282 to apply.

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For sale: Gravel, pebbles, bricks and stones of all sizes. Low prices if you sort through them yourself. Some of the darker colored stones may be burned people, great for use as fertilizer.

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.