The Season Premiere of Game of Thrones Was Too Realistic

I used to like Game of Thrones.

Nine years ago, when it first aired, it was a show about witches, sword fights, decapitations, brave knights and the desperate search for the cure for ashiness. It was popular because it took viewers away from reality into a fantasy world with direwolves, dragons, moon doors and a privileged white woman with a savior complex who refers to herself as the Breaker of Chains while black people do all the real work ...

OK, maybe it wasn’t that unrealistic.

But now, as America awaits the release of the Mueller report, the Seven Kingdoms is battling climate change while awaiting the release of a special investigation into the background of its leader. The white supremacist movement is the biggest security threat. There is a national emergency at the wall. The current ruler inherited the family’s wealth from the ruler’s father and is colluding with a foreign dictator.

If I wanted to see this bullshit, I could’ve just watched MSNBC.

I miss the old days when unbelievable shit happened. For instance, when the Lord resurrected a savior whose mother was miraculously impregnated, that storyline was laughably unbelievable, but it made for some good television. But it seems as if the Game of Thrones writers are just reading the newspapers and retelling the story that we are all living now.

Don’t tell me that when Cersei gave her “fixer” a wagon full of gold to go do her dirty work, you didn’t think of Michael Cohen. I’m sure Bronn is violating a few campaign finance laws and my guess is, he’ll eventually turn on her and testify before the Winterfell Judiciary Committee. It’s going to be spectacular when Lyanna Mormont, the Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of the Winterfell Senate Finance Committee, cross-examines him.

If you can’t see that Bran Stark is the Robert Mueller of the Seven Kingdoms, you’re not paying attention. He’s already prosecuted the Paul Manafort of Westeros, Lord Petyr Baelish. Only a few people know the details of Bran’s special investigation, but instead of personally indicting Daenerys, he handed over the information to a bumbling, heavyset white dude who gave his own summary. Sansa Pelosi, Speaker of the Stark House, has a right to know this information but it’s being withheld from her for political reasons. Until the House of Representatives gets an un-redacted copy of Bran’s report, no one knows if the democratic process is compromised.

And we still don’t know how Dany will react when someone takes her crown away. I predict that she will start a women’s march where she dons a pink hat and tells her supporters to “resist” before she takes her dragons and goes home. Even though she isn’t the true queen, she’ll insist that she won the popular vote.

In spite of the fact that Game uh’ Thrones is now essentially the Drunk History version of the Trump administration, I’ll still watch because there are still some unanswered questions:

How will the North react to black people? I eagerly await the episode where a manager at Starksbucks calls the police on some of the Unsullied.

Where does Daenerys get those coats? She’s been wandering in the desert for 40 years and all of a sudden she has a coat that looks like a red velvet cake? Do they even have an Ann Taylor at the North Galleria Mall?

Will Jon become the dragons’ stepdaddy? Drogon seems like a ride or die dragon but it was apparent from the way Rhaegal stared longingly at Jon, that he needs a father figure in his life.

How does Missandei keep her natural curls so moisturized? And did the Unsullied bring enough lotion? The dry air in the North requires a lotion with a higher viscosity and thermal breakdown. What if they get too ashy and someone thinks they have grayscale?

Is Cersei pregnant? And whose baby is it? Is it Jamie’s, Euron Greyjoy’s or did she have her master artificially inseminate her?

Speaking of Euron ... I know they’re trying to make him into a Joffrey Lannister/Ramsay Bolton-like villain but, to me, he’s just a mildly annoying antagonist who’s desperate for attention. He’s basically James Comey.

Will there be a Clegane Bowl? Everyone wants to see The Mountain fight The Hound but it’s time we put a stop to this white-on-white violence.

Of course, I’m still going to watch the last few episodes. I really want to see the last season ...

Of America.