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The Root's Clapback Mailbag: No Vaseline

Illustration for article titled The Roots Clapback Mailbag: No Vaseline
Illustration: Oscar Bustamante
Clapback MailbagEach Friday, we select the best (or worst) emails, tweets, DMs and comments from our readers and respond to them in the The Root's Clapback Mailbag.

Break’em off...

Just waking up in the morning, gotta thank my boss
for giving me a day just to respond
To DMs and tweets from fuckwads
Who read our blog and get mad because we do our job
When we point out racism, Caucasians flip out
They troll us in the grays, but can’t get out
So they get real mad when we say no
Saying we won’t live another twenty fo’
I gotta write cause these motherfuckers won’t stop
But if I clapback, I can make the jaws drop
They call us “dumb niggas,” hoping to gaslight
When I look at their grammar, not a smart one in sight
And everything is alright
Got a tweet from Lance and he’s as bad as the whites
Called up the staff and I’m askin’ them
For DMs from anyone harrassing them
Dragging idiots is why our readers love us
Every week, I fuck around and shit on another Bubba!
The mailbag is proof The Root don’t play.
We just say: “Today is Clapback Day”

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Did someone mention Ice Cube?

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Illustration for article titled The Roots Clapback Mailbag: No Vaseline
Screenshot: Twitter

Dear Lance and Gradient:

I agree with both of you premises that we shouldn’t drag Ice Cube for working with Trump.

First of all, I also have a beef with the Biden campaign. His campaign seems to treat Black media as an extension of their public relations team while offering interviews and sit-downs with white-run media outlets that are sometimes even smaller than the audiences of black-run outlets. The Root has been requesting an interview with the Biden campaign since he declared his candidacy. Nearly every Democratic candidate has sat down with The Root for an extended interview focused exclusively on them except Biden and Bernie Sanders.

So you know what The Root didn’t do?

We didn’t say: “Well...maybe Trump will take our calls.”

Our decision has nothing to do with partisanship or an agenda. We haven’t tried to discuss anything with the Trump campaign for a very good reason:

Black people.

There is nothing that Trump could ever say about black people to us or anyone else that matters. We know his statements don’t mean shit because he lies all the time. What’s the point of talking to a liar who also promised to:

  • Make Mexico pay for a wall;
  • make testing available for anyone who needs a test;
  • develop a coronavirus vaccine by next weekend;
  • produce a healthcare plan that gives everyone free medicine;
  • cure cancer;
  • stop lying and
  • make America great again.

But I don’t think that is the reason Biden’s team didn’t sit down with Cube to address his concerns. After all, why would any group with a finite amount of time and resources take time away to discuss policy with a rapper who has no history of policymaking or activism? You think I could call up LeBron the day before the NBA Finals and say: “Hey, I want to have a conversation with you about your pick and roll defense.”

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But that’s still not the reason.

Here’s what I imagine the conversation sounded like when Biden’s handlers told him that Ice Cube was trying to talk to him:

Team Biden: Sir, we also have a request for a meeting with Ice Cube

Joe Biden: Sure, I’d like a cup of ice at all my meetings. It doesn’t necessarily have to be cubes, though. I kinda prefer crushed ice.

TB: No, Mr. Vice President, we mean the rapper Ice Cube

JB: The guy from Law and Order? Sure! I’ve been trying to find out how he keeps his hair so silky. Set it up.

TB: No, that’s Ice T.

JB: Sure, we can have iced tea at the meetings. But not that powdered crap. I want it fresh brewed.

TB: No, sir, Ice Cube is a rapper who wants to meet with you about his agenda.

JB: Wait? Is he one of those conscious rappers who’s involved in politics like Killer Mike or Common?

TB: No, sir. He’s the guy from NWA.

JB: I thought Eazy E was dead and I haven’t heard from Yella in years! I already talked to Dr. Dre about making me some dope beats. Just in case this president thing doesn’t work out I’m planning a rap career under the name of ‘Bye-Den.” Unfortunately Dre said no. I don’t know why but his wife was yelling in the background about the phone bill.

TB: No, sit it’s the other guy?

JB: The one who said he’d “never have dinner with the president?” Is he some kind of political leader now? I haven’t heard a single Black person say their politic ideology is best represented by Craig from Friday? Didn’t he get fired on his day off?

TB: Well, sir, he’s kind of a political novice.

JB: Did he stop calling himself Doughboy, marry Brandi and go into politics? I’d rather talk to Furious Styles. That guy had some progressive ideas. Plus, when I went to his barbershop during the primaries, they refused to give me dreadlocks. Don’t you think I’d look good with locs?

TB: Sir, let’s stay focused. Do you want to meet with him or not?

JB: Nope. I’m running for president so I’m kinda busy. Man... Now I can’t stop thinking about Boyz in the Hood. As a matter of fact, tell Ice Cube I said I won’t meet with him unless he’s willing to identify those bastards who killed Ricky

What’s he gonna do, talk to Trump?

TB: Ha! Now that’s funny!


Then there’s this:

From: Chloë
To: Michael Harriot

You hate white women don’t you? You are wrong to compare Amy Barrett to the woman who had Emmett Till killed. You are talking about a woman who adopted black kids and gave them a chance at a better life. You should be praising her but your hate for white women have blinded you

From: Gita
To: Michael Harriot

Maybe because she is just a good person with strong morals and a kind heart? The fact that “Karens” have been demonized disproves what you are saying here about white women. ACB is no Karen.

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Dear Chloe and Gita,

You’re right.

Amy Coney Barrett might be a good, God-fearing woman who deserves a seat on the Supreme Court.

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So let me tell you a story about a Christian pro-lifer we shall call “Jane.” When she was younger, Jane had given up a child for adoption and had to admit that she had lied when she told the police that she had been raped by a Black man. She later became staunchly opposed to abortion.

In 2004, like many people before her, Jane tried to get the court to overturn Roe v. Wade, explaining that she had “new information” that abortions were harmful. In 2009, Jane was among a group of 40 protesters who were arrested at the University of Notre Dame. She and her fellow demonstrators were furious about the school inviting pro-choice President Barack Obama to its commencement exercises and giving him an honorary degree. Jane’s views on abortion came from her work with Operation Rescue, a fundamentalist Christian organization that opposed Islam, homosexuality and Planned Parenthood.

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At the time of her arrest, Jane probably had no idea that there was a law professor at Notre Dame who hated abortion more than she did. But there was something different about Jane.

It turns out the whole time Jane was protesting homosexuality, she was actually gay. And she wasn’t even religious. She had no ethics or morals. Just before she died, she confessed that her entire involvement with the anti-abortion movement was financially motivated. Jane was just a self-interested, plain-old white woman who was taking money in exchange for opposing a women’s right to choose.

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But Jane did a lot of good in her life. She raised her children that she didn’t give up for adoption. She was responsible enough to give up one child that she didn’t think she could handle. I can’t say if Jane’s good actions outweigh the bad. That’s not even my point. My only point is that one’s good actions don’t exist in a vacuum.

And she was white.

In fact, this moral-less white woman probably did more for women than you or I could ever do. Why would I say that?

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Well, Jane’s real name is Norma McCorvey, who helped legitimize the “pro-life” movement. But you probably know her better as Jane Roe...

From Roe v. Wade


And finally, someone wrote about this article:

From: J Mackelvie
To: The Root

First of all the heading is Racist against White communities who have been sending aid to Africa for generations.

And even traveled to Africa to in emergencies caused by natural disasters.

White folk in recent years are now calling out “ The Black Racists “ who suffer from “ Black Fragility “.

Many nice intelligent people who have a lovely permanent tan to protect their skin from the sunny countries with hot climates that their ancestors evolved in.

Have agreed White Racist do exist as do “ Asian Racist “ & “ Black Racist “.

It has been going on long before white man found Africa, just like slavery which was introduced to white aristocrats ( not to common white folk ) by Black Africans with power & bought & sold members of their own African countries & Asian / Arabs with power who had many Arab Slave Markets & bought Black folk from powerful Black members before certain white folk had a British Empire.

This is why any call for knee from white folk should also be met with call from Black & Asian countries to also give knee. Otherwise your being racist against white countries.

So please show us Asians & Blacks give the knee for their ancestors part in slavery centuries before, during & after British Empire & Birth of America.

WE MUST NOT FORGET TRUE HISTORY FROM ALL SIDES OF WORLD !

You can’t take parts from history that suit you & ignore the parts of history which puts your own ancestors down.

That’s like bitching about bad men whilst ignoring the bad women cause you’re women.

You’ve got to put all sides down for their parts they played in history.

Otherwise you’re behaving like a spoiled person who likes everything your own way.

Remember “ Black People Are Part Of Human Race.

Not Black Race.

By Calling Yourself “ Black Race. “ You Start Dividing Black From White & Asian “

When “ Asian, Black & White, Are All One Race.”

Asian, Black & White Are Actually All Same.

People “ Asian & Black “ Have More Of A Tan “ Melanin “ To Protect Skin From Harsh Sunny Climates.

Which Is Why White Folk Don’t Need As Much, Cause there’s Not Much Call For “ Melanin “ In Countries With Less Sunny Weather Over Thousands Of Years.

Just Think Asians & Blacks Would Be White Folk If It Wasn’t For Evolution Of Humans In Hotter Climates Who Didn’t Bother To Migrate Thousands Of Years Ago Like Their White Cousins Who Ended Up Going Onto Evolve In Colder Climates & Lost Their Permanent Tan.

If white folk were all racists, most of them wouldn’t sunbathe for a tan & end up looking Asian or Black. And if all Asian & Blacks were racist, they wouldn’t look for skin whitening.

See how simular groups “ Asian, Black & White “ within the “ Human Race “ behave the same.

So why go on to encourage members of Asian, Black & White to act prejudice against one another.

It’s time certain folk belonging to each Community,- Asian, Black & White stop keeping negative talk going on in Human Race.

It takes all sides to acknowledge their negatives toward one another, & each Asian, Black & White country to acknowledge Asian, Black & White countries all have terrible histories toward their own people & toward other countries. It’s time negative members of Asian, Black & White communities got their act together & join the rest of the Asians, Blacks & Whites who have been getting along great for many years.

Racism only starts when you keep making everything racist when it’s not.

Asians treat each other terrible from time to time.

Blacks treat each other terrible from time to time.

Whites treat each other terrible from time to time.

So why call it racism when a person acts terrible to someone who has different skin color or tone.

When they treat others of same skin color or tone the same.

Congratulations Jay,

You are a finalist for the Root Dumb Hundred!

Each year, just among ourselves, the staff at The Root votes on the dumbest thing we have ever heard. Your letter places you in a group that includes Candace Owens, Tom Lahren, Yeezy, Jason Whitlock and white people who ask about Chicago.

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I don’t even know what point you’re trying to make because my head started swimming after a few paragraphs but I am sure it’s spectacularly dumb. I just love when anyone insists that we call racists something else, as if we’re gonna sully the good name of the racist population.

Should you win, your trophy comes with a rare bowl of Black Tears collected from when we cried laughing at the insinuation that we should take into account how much a racist may have donated to Africawhenever they do some racist shit. I must admit that your insistence that people in China should kneel during the anthem almost made me giddy but then I...

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Oh wait.

You’re writing about an article from 2018?

Damn, J, I’m sorry to inform you that you don’t qualify for this year’s award. If it’s any comfort, you definitely would have won in 2018.

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If I were you, I’d protest.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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DISCUSSION

sigmapapi
sigmapapi...(El Chingon!)

1. Jay made my head hurt. Like I have a migraine now. I feel like Jay owes me money for reading that screed.

2. Chloe & Gita: Where was that same energy for Hillary Clinton who has been roasted, tarred, and feathered for the past 28 years because she was an intelligent woman that didn’t want to do the 1st lady cookie bakeoff and was smarter than most of the men that vilified her?

3. Lance & Gradient: One does not do business that cousin that you know won’t pay you back, your exe who cheated on you, ya boy that left you at the club when some shit went down, that girl in human resources that thinks ya cute, or any girl you meet on Adult FriendFinder. Why? Because you know they are dishonest and will consistently sell you out, take your money, or leave you hanging when you need them the most. You know who that sounds like...

Trump.

4. Jay I really feel like you need to pay me for my time reading that shit.