Greetings fellow Super Negroes! Today is the day that we’ve all been (arguably) waiting for, the Negro Soulstice. If you’re just now ascending into higher consciousness, let me be the first to welcome you into the fold. And by “the fold,” I mean the League of Extraordinary Negroes.
As your newly self-appointed Super Negro Secretary of Cosmic Communications, I’m honored to speak with you all. Now, before we get into the nitty-gritty of orientation and you start testing out your new powers, I want to congratulate you for being born Black and for walking out your Blackness as best as you know how. This day has been a long time coming, ( nearly 400 years apparently) and I know you’re just as ready as I am to start walking out your new other-worldly existence. In fact, I know you’re ready because you guys have been all on Twitter expressing your joy, confusion, anticipation and plans for this wondrous occasion:
But I need to be clear here: There are some things we really wish you won’t use your powers (or your Twitter fingers) for. Like this helping out flavor-averse YT people with their food or engaging in fun-shaming over our new abilities.
But dodging Sallie Mae or her evil doppelgänger Navient is absolutely fine.
And speaking of evil enemies, let’s all send a special shoutout to our brethren Jason Derulo for finally receiving both the “strenf of di Blek Pentha” and the strength of Dr. Manhattan to defeat his arch nemesis MetGalaSTAIRIUS. We knew you had it in you Jason, we knew it.
As for the rest of you who may still be awaiting your supernatural download, please be patient. Per usual, the transfer is running on CP time and is experiencing a bit of a delay due to the influx of last-minute Super Negro applications. (For the last time Rachel Dolezal, we’re going to need you to stop sending so many apps. How many times have we sent you this rejection letter, hm? And tell your brother-from-another-mother Shaun King his got ‘lost in the mail too.’ Tuh, the nerve.)
Oh, and before you blast off, be sure to wish our fearless leader Nick Fury Samuel L. Jackson a happy 72nd birthday today. We wouldn’t be where we are now without him. Niggavengers, ASSEMBLE!