I don’t have a crystal ball, but I did sip Crystal Pepsi a few times back in the 1990s, and I always look for ways to honor the legacy of Miss Cleo, so I have some predictions for the new year to share. Take them with a grain of salt—preferably Lawry’s Seasoned Salt or some Slap Ya Mama seasoning.
1. You will adore Love & Hip Hop: Miami.
Thanks to the lovely folks who work in publicity over at VH1, I was hashtag-blessed to be provided with a screener for the premiere episode of the new franchise of Love & Hip Hop, set in Miami. While I’m sad that my trigger-happy hometown of Houston had the filming for its spinoff shut down, I’m relieved at how good the Miami season looks to be shaping up. There are people I have actually heard of (Trina, Trick Daddy, Gunplay, Veronica Vega, Pleasure P), and when it comes to those I have never heard of in my natural black-ass life, I’m not bothered—yet, anyway. Now, there is someone I wish had stayed on Flavor Flav’s old show and let us be, but I’ll let y’all decide whether or not she makes for a necessary addition to the show.
Love & Hip Hip: Miami, starring Trina, Da Baddest Bitch, premieres New Year’s Day on VH1.
2. The Chi will not only be Showtime’s latest hit but will also be its blackest one in a smooth while.
The Emmy-winning writer and actress Lena Waithe was kind enough to pass along a screener to her new series, which is executive-produced by both her and Common, and while I don’t want to spoil anything (yes, even for those who have since seen it on YouTube courtesy of Showtime), I will say it’s interesting how a fictitious show about the city of Chicago and its residents feels more real than many of the stories reported from national media. That has a lot to do with those at the helm of The Chi, and while we shouldn’t need the reminder at this point, nevertheless, this show reminds us how important it is to allow black people the opportunity to tell our own stories.
The Chi premieres Jan. 7 on Showtime.
3. Omarosa will probably get a book deal, but no one will give a damn.
Omarosa Manigault Newman is trying to creep her ass back into the community after opportunistically latching herself onto the white-nationalist-themed campaign and administration of that bigoted, narcissistic jerk-off. Given that she has name recognition, worked for his administration and is relentless in her quest for airtime, she won’t exactly go away. Even so, we don’t fuck with her anymore, and regardless of whatever story she claims she has to tell, most of us couldn’t give a decimeter of a damn. Shoo, sis. Shoo.
4. Sweet Potato Saddam will try to fire Robert Mueller.
Republicans won’t do a thing about it, but getting rid of the special prosecutor doesn’t mean that 45 and his minions won’t face any repercussions for his purported actions. Someone should tell that buffoon that you don’t constantly come for the entire FBI and get away with it. Beyond that, there’s a New York attorney general who still aims to make time for 45 and his band of dingbats. Not to mention, it will be leak city. I’m already laughing because there’s only so much one—even the wannabe despotic president—can get away with.
5. People will continue to use shade wrong.
I am so sick of people using shade wrong, which is exactly why the LGBTQ ... SWV community should have placed our slang in a safe-deposit box years ago. Not everything is shade. Sometimes it’s a read, which is not the same as shade, and while I could explain the difference for the umpteenth time, I refuse because I don’t want to help y’all. Having said that, I miss “Shade Court,” but shoutout to Kara Brown for getting those TV writing checks.
6. Halle Berry will be back in love.
Recently the Oscar-winning actress took to her Instagram Live to post a picture of a heart made of ribbon with a split down the middle captioned with, “Done with love.” Berry recently broke it off with producer Alex da Kid, but, with all due respect, many of us never understood how that happened to begin with. Nevertheless, while I doubt that she will heed my unsolicited career advice and star in a Boomerang-esque romantic comedy on television themed around being a veteran bae still looking for love, I do anticipate her shaking off the simp in that post and be back to another boo by Groundhog Day.
7. The Democrats will win the House of Representatives.
New York Times columnist Bret Stephens fancies himself a conservative intellectual, but considering that that wing of the American political system is run by a village idiot who requires that his intelligence briefings be dumbed down with bullet points and avoid any emotional triggering (re: Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election), that’s rather meaningless. This is especially true of Stephens, who notoriously doesn’t believe in climate change. Beloved, if you can’t even master what Captain Planet taught the world by cartoon, your political analysis is literary manure.
This includes a recent column in which he warns that the Democrats are walking into a “Trumpian trap.” What does that mean? Nothing; it means nothing. No one likes Sweet Potato Saddam, and the GOP is run by two factions: crazy, evil billionaires and the poorer morons who think like them but don’t enjoy the same tax bracket. So while the Donkey Party does often behave like asses, that asshole in the White House is making it all too easy for former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to get her gavel back. The only thing propping up the GOP right now is racial gerrymandering, and that’s really the only thing that could prevent the devastating electoral fade awaiting them.
P.S.: Black people will save the day, but most of the pundits on cable news will whitewash the shit and pretend that it was suburban white people who did it, despite all obvious evidence to the contrary.
8. The secretary of state will be pushed out.
At the earliest, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who I still say looks exactly like Blanche Devereaux’s old boyfriend, who was also named Rex, will be out by Martin Luther King Jr. Day at the earliest or St. Patrick’s Day at the latest. Either way, they’re going to boot him out. Most will not care because he is the worst secretary of state ever. But don’t worry about him; he’s old, white and rich. If anything, let’s hope he talks reckless the second he’s told to get the hell out of the State Department already.
9. Charles Barkley will continue giving political commentary, and I will curse you all for allowing it.
Charles Barkley made a little bit of sense when speaking about the special election to fill the Senate seat of that racist sum’bitch Jeff Sessions, and true to form, many in the media have gone overboard and encouraged this man to keep talking.
But as I explained earlier in this year while reviewing his TNT show on race:
Charles Barkley is like that black uncle you find amusing but limit conversations with at family gatherings to select topics such as sports, Gap Band songs and brown liquor. When it comes to more serious matters like politics and, specifically, racial politics, the phrase “Stop, drop and roll” is an immediate survival guide to sparing your last nerve from a fatal end. If, however, you find yourself cornered, you grit your teeth and try to remain respectful of your elder before you end up screaming, “Nigga, what the hell are you saying?” in an effort not to upset your mother.
Yet, here we are again. To be fair, though, a round of applause for him pledging $1 million to help black women launch information technology startups in Alabama.
10. Beyoncé will finally give me the B’Day sequel we all deserve.
This is more like a public plea than prediction, but I live in Trump’s America, so I need an uptempo project from King Bey. Like, I love the thoughtful explorations of race and gender and I encourage more of that—but not on the next album. Or, at the very least, mix it up. As in, I need more thot bops, Beyoncé. Please.
11. Nicki Minaj will learn to edit.
I am #TeamMinaj and have been since I found her on WorldStarHipHop. While a lot of y’all were pretending “shETHER” destroyed her career—as if someone who can’t even rap on beat most of the time could do that—fact is, the Queen has been rapping her ass off all year on feature after feature. I’m eagerly anticipating her new album, but I feel like she’s finally going to learn that less is more. The Pinkprint was honestly a very strong body of work if you pretend about eight songs (the pop ones and the ones where she sings) don’t exist. That Cash Money model of putting 90,071 tracks on a single project has stumbled Minaj’s discography in some cases. But-but-but, I think she’s figured it out now.
12. Cardi B will continue searching for her name on Twitter and responding to folks she thinks are haters.
Even when they don’t directly @ her, and that makes me sad.
13. Issa will learn to duck on the new season of Insecure.
Or, if nothing else, she’ll have a towel ready and take it like a champ next time. Also: Straight people will be clogging my feeds all summer long debating this show.
14. Future fans will continue acting like Russell Wilson being a good stepfather is an affront to them.
Despite being a casual bystander in #FutureHive, I will never understand the shit. Who hurt them? Please advise.
15. Megyn Kelly Today will get canceled.
She won’t go away, though. Can’t win ’em all.
16. The Real Housewives of Atlanta will get a major overhaul.
Because it damn sure needs one. This season is boring. Yeah, I said it.
17. One of your favorite daytime talk show hosts is going to say something way too slick and finally face a real clapback over it.
You know which one. I’m a fan, but I’m not deaf, dumb or blind to the news cycle. Good luck.
18. The #MeToo movement is going to take a lot of people in the music industry out.