The Mega Millions Jackpot Is Officially at $1 Billion. Here’s What I’m Doing When I Win

If you have not already bought a ticket, you still have a little time to do so. The jackpot for the Mega Millions right now is officially $1 billion dollars, and even if you take the cash payout and subtract all the taxes, you will still come out with a nice chunk of change.

I have spent a lot of time daydreaming about what I would do if I won that much money. Sure there’s the usual “take care of my family” and “go on extravagant vacation” dreams that we all have, but I have some other things I want to spend that money on as well.

I’m going to stop talking to y’all broke asses

Yes, bitch. I’mma be acting brand-fucking-new. Don’t be mad. Be glad. Don’t hate. Congratulate.

I would buy Ebony magazine

I realize that purchase will include taking over their debt, and I am willing to do that too. They still owe writers money from 2016, so it’s not like they are in a bargaining position at this point. I would pay the writers that are owed and make sure something like that debacle never happens again. I would restore Ebony to its former glory. The name Ebony once meant something in black media, and it still should.

I would buy airtime on every national network

I would buy airtime during primetime on every national network for the specific purpose of allowing me, my friends and my family to stunt on you brokeys now that we are super rich. Don’t worry; it won’t be a rude kind of stunt. We would have a fashion show, a blunt rolling contest, tequila toasts and a damn double dutch contest. Like this will be the blackest thing you have ever seen on TV, and you will enjoy it because we all love to see black people win.

I would buy my mama, my brother, my sister and my nephew a house

They would each get their own house. I would probably build them all on the same land so we could all still be in close proximity to each other.

I would pay to record a Nicki Minaj diss with Cardi B and Meek Mill

No explanation needed for this one.

I would throw myself a big birthday party next year and invite everyone I know

The party would be on a yacht. You wouldn’t have to be dressed fancy. Come as you are. Plenty of good food, good drink and good weed for everyone.

I would start a scholarship at the school that taught me journalism

I am a product of the El Camino College journalism department. I won a lot of awards as I went through the program, and the education I got there was invaluable. I would set up a scholarship so that more journalists of color could go through the program and be put on the road to journalistic success.

I would buy a full page ad in several major newspapers

The ad would run daily from now until Election Day 2020, and it would simply say “Fuck Donald Trump.”