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I know you’re tired of me by now, but I just saw something on social media accusing you of being part of the “gay agenda.” Since you’ve explained a lot of things to me over the years, I thought I’d come directly to you to ask about it.

No problem. I love our little talks. What would you like to know?

Are you a part of the gay agenda?

Yes, I am.

Really? Well, that was easy! What exactly is the gay agenda?

I have no idea.

But you just said ...

I know, I know. I have been accused so often of being a part of the mysterious gay agenda that I have accepted my role—even though I have yet to receive a copy of this heretofore unseen agenda.

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However, I am apparently an unwitting participant in many conspiratorial plots including “leftists,” the black supremacist movement, the Black Lives Matter terrorist organization and the Nefarious International Group of Guys Endorsing Reverse Racism (NIGGERR).

I have resolved that the literature containing my membership cards, mission statements and printed programs has been lost in the mail. You know how terrible the U.S. postal system can be. I blame Trump.

Have you ever heard of the gay agenda?

Yes, I am quite familiar with the term. People who speak of it often use words like “bed wench,” “wombman” and “overstand.” They invariably spell Africa with three K’s and wear at least one piece of jewelry with an ankh.

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So what do they mean when they talk about the “gay agenda”?

From what I can gather, they believe that there is an evil, concerted, international plot to intentionally weaken the black race by feminizing black men. According to these people, this goal is achieved by forcing black people to see gay people as human beings, thereby “normalizing” homosexuality. Somehow the simple action of looking at gayness will lead to the destruction of the black race.

But that doesn’t make any sense. Who would spread such a stupid idea?

Stupid people. And charlatans.

Take Umar Johnson, for instance, who says that he doesn’t “support, endorse nor condone lesbianism, bisexualism, transvitism ... all the isms.” However, he explicitly states that he separates the behavior from the human being and loves “all black people.” He also explains that there is no such thing as “gay black kids,” claiming that he can reverse homosexuality at his invisible Hotep Hogwarts School for Hypermasculinity. His views, however can be easily explained by the fact that he has pocketed almost half a million dollars by spreading this idea of a “homosexual agenda.”

Another example is rapper Nipsey Hussle, who recently posted his explanation of the agenda on Instagram.

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This narrative is rampant but not limited to the “conscious community,” or black people in general. It is a stupid idea, not a black idea.

What do you mean?

By that, I mean that there have always been slick-mouthed snake oil salesmen willing to lead people who are hungry for liberation but starving for the truth. The white supremacy movement preaches the same gospel. Hitler did it. The “alt-right” says it. Christian religions preach it. It is a method of control by feeding the myth of “the other.”

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But why, though?

Because anyone willing to think for themselves and tolerate the differences in others would never put on a Ku Klux Klan robe, burn a cross on a lawn, throw 10 percent of their earnings into a collection plate or donate money to a school for which they have never seen a concise plan. Con men prey on these types of people because they are all too willing to let others do their thinking for them. It’s not hate as much as it is a nefarious strategy.

Why do you think anyone would believe something like this?

They want the Holy Ghost.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I grew up in a very religious, almost cultlike religious environment. In my church, there was nothing more beautifully powerful than “catching the Holy Ghost.” It apparently made people feel so good that they cried, shook and spoke in an undecipherable language called “tongues.”

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I always wanted to “speak in tongues.” I found it fascinating. I wondered why I wasn’t as worthy of this glorious freedom as everyone else. I thought that I must be doing something wrong in the sight of God.

One day I asked my Sabbath school teacher about it. I asked if anyone knew what the words meant and if she could translate them. She was usually annoyed with me because I often dissected her teachings and asked questions like why wouldn’t an omnipotent God just free Moses and the Israelites instead of making it rain frogs. She told me that my curiosity was what prevented me from “catching the Holy Ghost,” because I was examining it too much. I was thinking with my human, “carnal mind,” she explained.

After that, I was cool on the Holy Ghost.

Some people are willing to accept things without examining them. This is what the gospels of preachers, white supremacists and Hotep teachers all depend on. They count on the fact that it is easier for some people to blindly accept any narrative handed to them than it is to dissect an accepted truth.

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But don’t you fear the gay agenda at least a little bit?

Nope.

I am heterosexual. I am secure in that knowledge. I don’t believe that a transgender person using the same bathroom as I do would make me question my sexuality. When I pee, wash my hands and check my beard in a public-restroom mirror, I don’t wonder about the sexual habits of the people in the next stall. If I watched every episode of Will & Grace on an infinite loop, it would not make me “catch the gay.”

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I secretly suspect that many of those people who promote the existence of a “gay agenda” quietly question their own sexuality. I don’t believe I could ever be “turned gay,” but apparently, their sexuality is so precipitously frail that they live under the constant fear of “the other.”

But how can you counteract that level of widespread stupidity?

There is only one way: truth.

The truth is that there have been gay people on earth since the beginning of time. The truth is that there probably aren’t more gay people; there are probably more people willing to live in their truth because society has become more accepting. The truth is that if there were a “gay agenda,” it could easily be erased by the overwhelming “heterosexual agenda” that exists in 99 percent of movies, music and television shows in popular culture. The truth is that I have yet to meet a gay person who says that they were heterosexual until they went to an airport bathroom, wore their pants too tight or found a discarded manuscript of the “gay agenda.”

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The truth is, the claim of a fantastical, secret gay agenda is only about fear, control and huckster shenanigans.

So, yes, even though I have never seen the “gay agenda,” I admit that I am a part of it because I am not afraid of gay people. I will not be controlled. I will never adhere to the precepts of white supremacy, unfounded doctrine or copper-jewelry-wearing confidence men whose beards do not connect.

GotstaGetAnAnkAndaDashiki!

What was that?

I think I just spoke in tongues!

Showoff.