So it happened. The Mike Tyson and Roy Jones of vice-presidential candidates finally faced off behind plexiglass, and to quote former Arizona head coach Dennis Green, “They are who we thought they were.”
Mike Pence proved to be a robotic version of the president’s agenda and Sen. Kamala Harris didn’t have time for the vice president’s fuckshit. Below are five takeaways from Wednesday’s heavyweight matchup minus one heavyweight.
Look, I know that two minutes is not a long time to answer a question when you’re a robot. I also know that it’s impossible for Pence to speed up his speech when he’s doing the “Look at me, I’m talking like a president” thing that he wouldn’t stop doing. But fuck, man, this guy wouldn’t honor the moderator who was trying to be nice and not tell him:
This dude just wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Like it was impossible for him to stop fucking talking. His camp agreed to the time limit and then the vice president of people who aren’t poor yet still enjoy mayonnaise sandwiches just wouldn’t mind it, and while this debate had more civility than the presidential debate, Pence confirmed that he’s an evangelical Christian asshole. Which is basically saying the same thing, I know.
Seriously, how fucking hard is it to stop talking? He shuts up every time President Trump commits another atrocity against the American people. Where was this mouthy Mike Pence when migrant babies were being separated from their parents and thrown into cages? Is this what being pro-life looks like? Where was this “I have to finish my incomplete thought”-ass face when Trump was throwing the corona kegger in the Rose Garden?
Several people on Twitter noted that Mike Pence looked as if he had pink eye or busted a blood vessel or something because he had the eye of a beaten boxer during the debate. Pence’s eye looked so fucked up that Pence’s eye was trending on Twitter (which I kept reading as “penis eye” because I’m 7.)
Various people on Twitter pointed out that Pence’s left eye seemed to have a reddish hue. More specifically, the normally white or whiter parts of his eye appeared to have some redness. Of course, those parts of your eye are not supposed to be that color, unless, of course, you tried to squirt some ketchup on your hot dog and missed badly. Some on Twitter speculated that the redness may have been from conjunctivitis.
Pink eye is also, well…
I have dated Black women all my life. I am married to a Black woman. I was raised by a Black woman and have two older sisters who are also Black women, so I’m qualified to know the many faces of Black women. I’ve seen them all. To the untrained eye, you might not think that there is a difference between the “Oh, this nigga thinks I’m stupid” face and the “You just going to tell me anything” face, but I assure you they are different. Black women are so trained in the art of giving face that many don’t even know they are doing it. Black women are face ninjas.
They can cut your heart out without ever saying a word. So shoutout to the next vice president (assuming God is listening and can stop Russia and white people from stealing this election) for giving up all the faces during the election. But this one might be my favorite:
Every Black professional knows that it is easy to hide your Blackness in professional settings. The higher you climb up the corporate ladder, the easier it becomes to lose the intrinsically Black parts of you, so it’s important to note that while she was killing Pence with kindness and with faces, Kamala Harris didn’t lose herself. That face above is the same face Makeda made when King Solomon couldn’t figure out the first puzzle. This is the same face Hattie McDaniel made when she was told she’d have to sit at the segregated table at the Oscars.
You don’t believe in the power of faces? This is the face Michelle Obama made when handed a gift by the incoming first lady:
Kamala made the ancestors proud.
A whole-ass fly flew in and stole the show by landing on the vice president’s head and chilling there for a whole two minutes while Pence didn’t do shit. Didn’t swat at his hair, didn’t check to see why a whole-ass fly was on his head, Pence literally kept talking with a fly reading the New York Times on his head. I will say this: Kamala did a great job not yelling out, “I can’t talk to this motherfucker with this whole-ass fly on his head!’
Many Twitter users pointed out that flies love poop...I’m just saying.
Now a word from the fly: