The Devil's Mouthpiece Says Trump Will Find Other Ways to Fund His Dumb Wall and We Have Some Ideas

Illustration for article titled The Devil's Mouthpiece Says Trump Will Find Other Ways to Fund His Dumb Wall and We Have Some Ideas
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President Trump doesn’t run the White House. He doesn’t run the Waffle House, Run’s House, the House of Pancakes or any house. And as such, once the president got home with the GOP lagging behind him, he calmly suggested—the way that suggestions sounds like a mom telling you to change out of your shorts and put on some goddamn real pants—that the government ain’t shutting down.


So, on Tuesday, Sarah Huckabee Sanders aka the Devil’s mouthpiece claimed that the White House doesn’t want a partial government shutdown over the president’s dumbass wall that no one except real racists wants, adding that they will seek funding for the “boarder” wall somewhere else.

“We have other ways that we can get to that $5 billion. At the end of the day we don’t want to shut down the government, we want to shut down the border,” Sanders told the president’s personal YouTube station Fox News.

This White House is so annoying. First, the president claimed that Mexico was going to pay for the wall that no one wants. Then, the president got all huffy because funding for the wall wasn’t going to be included in any bill. Then the president recently met with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and Senate Minority Leader Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.), who both promptly told the president that he has a better chance of winning an NAACP award than getting funding for the wall that no one wants, the president proudly boasted, “Then, guess what?! I’m shutting down the government! I’m shutting down all of the governments! I’m shutting down the kitchens and the restrooms! How are you going to eat? Have you thought of that?!”

When Schumer and Pelosi tried to explain to the president that it doesn’t work this way, the president had already hopped on his presidential moped and rolled out of the office.

Now the Devil’s mouthpiece has come out to say that they can get the money from someplace else. Well, why didn’t they get the money from that someplace else in the first fucking place?!

According to The Washington Post, Sanders believes that the funding can be obtained through another source and believes that it can be done legally.


“There are certainly a number of different funding sources that we’ve identified that we can use, that we can couple with money that would be given through congressional appropriations that would help us get to that $5 billion that the president needs in order to protect our border,” she said.

This mea culpa of sorts comes after Republicans reportedly miscalculated the number of Democrats that they believed they could get to sign a bill that would’ve included $5 billion to pay for the construction of a wall along the Mexico border.


But there are other ways Trump could get the money:

  • He could sneak behind Mother Pelosi’s back and ask his daddy, Vladimir Putin.
  • Maybe Michael Cohen could show up in Mexico with a postdated check.
  • He could use the same mathematics that he used to calculate his net worth and the crowd at his inauguration.
  • Crowdfund it by asking his base to sell their paintings of dogs playing poker on eBay.
  • Use the money he saved not paying taxes.
  • He could auction off immigration Visas.
  • He could fund it like he funds his buildings–by having someone build it and then refuse to pay them.
  • He could put a quarter in a jar for every lie he tells.

Basically, Mexico ain’t paying for this dumbass wall and Democrats didn’t fold. The wall, if it ever actually materializes, will be the result of other funding, which is the equivalent of solving an argument between children fighting over Lego by giving one child the toys and the crying child a paper plate to play with.


In short, Trump was just handed a paper plate.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.