In the NCAA basketball tournament, the collegiate teams that make it to the Sweet 16 usually consider their seasons successful. The same is true with the World Wypipo Tournament. Of all the cross-burning, safety-pin-wearing, statue-defending, cultural-appropriating Caucasians walking barefoot in Walmarts around the world, 16 have emerged as the most despicable. We should honor them.
We have seen some major upsets in this tourney so far. None of our No. 1 seeds are left. Rachel Dolezal fell to Betsy DeVos. The Ku Klux Klan/neo-Nazis lost to the cretins in Flint, Mich. Steve Bannon was sent packing, as was every one of the Kardashians. The bookmakers in Vegas have made millions because no one knows what the hell is going on—including me.
I threw up in my mouth when Lena Dunham lost in the first round, and I’m still suspicious about Megyn Kelly’s victory over Kim Kardashian. Is someone point-shaving? Are the refs being fair?
There is no need to recap the games because you can watch the highlights on SportsCenter. Instead, we will just get right into the Shitty 16. Here is the updated bracket:
Roger Stone is the sleeper of the tournament. Having already downed two powerhouses in Steve Bannon and Paul LePage, Stone has beaten two of the largest-headed motherfuckers in the tournament. But just because he’s not a household name, don’t sleep on Stone. He helped get three of the most terrible people in history elected: Donald Trump, Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon.
This is going to be a tough matchup for Andrew Anglin, but he can handle it. After all, just this year alone, Anglin started a terror campaign against a black sorority, raised $150,000 to hide from a Jewish woman who’s suing him for siccing neo-Nazis on her, and he spent an average of 18 hours a day on his site the Daily Stormer, which is probably the third-most-visited site for white supremacists behind Fox News and Donald Trump’s Twitter page.
There are rumors out there that Vladimir Putin may show up in the stands for this game because both of these men have colluded with him. This might be Kushner’s last hurrah before he goes to jail, so he better make this count. As one of the greatest slumlords in America who benefited from privilege and got into a great college because of his connections, Kushner is basically Trump with slightly better hair.
Jeff Sessions still hates marijuana.
Whites Gone Wild
I don’t like to judge a book by its cover, but I think we can vote on this matchup based on looks alone. Which one of these people looks like he uses the n-word more?
The two teams in this game both make bad decisions. One was a teacher who thought it would be a good idea to call his students slaves and drop the n-word, while the other had the brilliant idea to wear blackface to be like Tiger Woods for a Halloween party. It all depends on whether or not you hold a warm spot in your heart for children or Tiger Woods.
I’m still trying to decide. On the one hand, the children will probably get over this because they are young. On the other hand, Woods is rich and probably has a medicine cabinet filled with OxyContin, so he probably doesn’t care.
Regardless of how you feel about environmental racism, government accountability, police brutality, marginalized communities, Chick-fil-A or assholes who think all cops are good cops, this matchup comes down to one question: When considering cops or the people responsible for the Flint water crisis—who do you think has pumped more lead into black bodies?
If white allies make you sick to your stomach, you probably won’t be able to get medical attention because the GOP wants to get rid of your health insurance. If the Trump administration gives you the bubble guts, you can blame it on the white allies who wore safety pins to the voting booths and pulled the lever for Donald Trump.
Both of them will smile in your face while secretly hoping you don’t marry their daughters.
Betsy DeVos wants to eliminate public schools. Betsy DeVos equated school choice with segregation. Betsy DeVos donated millions to the GOP so she could be the führer of the American education system.
Megyn Kelly made millions as a Fox News anchor vilifying women, minorities and liberals. Now she is making millions for NBC speaking to women, minorities and liberals. Isn’t that the great white way?
Let me explain why this category makes it so hard to choose:
Kellyanne Conway is Tomi Lahren 20 years from now. Both are world-class liars with no souls or moral compass, peddling alternative facts, willing to sell their souls to the highest bidder. Compared to them, Ann Coulter is just an emaciated court jester shucking and jiving for a book deal.
It’s up to you to choose between Satan’s handmaiden and Satan’s mistress. Make the right choice.
If you are having trouble choosing between any of the choices in the matchups, the rules allow you to phone a friend. Make this a family activity. This is an important endeavor, so make sure you and everyone you know cast ballots.
Many of you know the following quote. We hope it will serve as an inspiration to all of the teams competing in this year’s World Wypipo Tournament:
If it falls to your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures, sweep streets like Beethoven composed music. ... Sweep streets like Shakespeare wrote poetry. Sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will have to pause and say: Here lived a great street sweeper who swept his job well. —Martin Luther King Jr.
But most people have never heard the addendum to that quote:
... or get a black person to sweep the street for you, and take all the credit.