trump
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Trump Wants America to Know He Can Pardon Himself, but He Didn’t Do Anything Wrong
President Donald Trump did not collude with Russians, but if he did, he wants America to know that he has the absolute right to pardon himself. On Monday, Trump took to Twitter to explain how he could pardon himself once special counsel Robert Mueller found him guilty of being the worst president in American history.…
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Trump to Give Full Pardon to Satan’s Favorite Author, Dinesh D’Souza
It’s good to see that Donald Trump’s meeting with prison-reform activist Kim Kardashian had a positive effect on the president’s feelings about unjust incarceration. Less than 24 hours after that meeting with the Calabasas, Calif., civil rights leader, Trump has decided to pardon Dinesh D’Souza, the unjustly accused and convicted author of leanings so far…
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Trump Still Hates Jeff Sessions for Being Jeff Sessions
Attorney General Jeff Sessions has always been trash. He openly hates arguably the most peaceful herb of all herbs, and Martin Luther King Jr.’s widow openly despised his ass. That’s right: Coretta Scott King took time out of her busy day to pen a letter to block the 1986 nomination of Jeff Sessions for federal…
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Trump’s Latest Conspiracy Theory Might Be His Craziest Yet
Truth and evidence are two things that have never bothered President Donald Trump or his administration. In fact, if truth and evidence were a person, it would be 2001 Tyronn Lue, and the personification of Trump’s care for truth and evidence would be Allen Iverson. On Tuesday, shocking absolutely no one who didn’t vote for…
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Congratulations, NFL, You Played Yourself! Protest Fines Didn’t Appease Trump, Who Wants Players Who Don’t Stand for the Anthem Tossed Out of the Country
President Donald Trump knows how to light a tiki torch, doesn’t he? Shortly after news broke that the NFL had succumbed to the demands of the grand wizard of “Make America great again” to punish players who protest during the national anthem, Trump, who crusaded against players’ rights to protest, made it clear that he…
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It Is Illegal for Donald Trump to Block You on Twitter Just Because He Is a Big Baby Who Can’t Take Criticism
A federal judge in New York City ruled Wednesday that the ability to view and engage with Donald Trump on his personal Twitter account is part of our constitutional First Amendment rights, and his blocking people simply because he doesn’t like their criticisms of him is a violation of those rights. Since his election, Trump…
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In an Attempt to Help America, the Earth Tries to Swallow Up Trump’s White House
A secret Russian tunnel has been found under the White House lawn … Editor: It isn’t a Russian tunnel. Fine, the devil’s portal … Editor: Nope. A hobbit hole? Editor: Whatever. A sinkhole (possibly made by the devil or a hobbit) has appeared on the White House’s North Lawn, and if we are lucky, said…
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Video Evidence Proves That Betsy DeVos Might Be the Dumbest Person in Trump’s Cabinet
If the fate of the world rested on Education Secretary Betsy DeVos’ ability to answer a question about anything from elementary-level math to what she ate for breakfast, I’d pray only that we all got at least five phone calls to tell our loved ones goodbye. If DeVos were in a mental-math Olympics against a…
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It’s Been a Year Already: So, What Actually Happens if Trump Fires Mueller?
Today, Thursday, marks the one-year anniversary of special prosecutor Robert Mueller’s appointment to personally fulfill the political fantasies of every pussy-hat-wearing, resistance-T-shirt-sporting, Salon-reading citizen left in America. That fantasy, of course, is of Mueller finding evidence of collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russians to influence the 2016 presidential election in his favor. More…
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The Trump Administration Has Mastered the Art of the ‘Grumblebrag’
We all know these people: the North American humblebragger. They are insufferable at any job, cookout or dinner party. You can hear them, across the room, in the next office, standing out on the patio talking loud enough on their cellphones that everyone else can hear: “Nah, I’m gonna let it ring. I told Barack,…