theory & essay
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Pancakes Vs Waffles Vs French Toast: Who Wins?
Pancakes, Waffles, and French Toast are basically the Beyonce of breakfast foods. Sure, the meats definitely matter. And, in the right environment, can be the featured food. Basically, “bacon” = “Kelly Rowland.” The starches matter too, just because you need balance and something to place all the blame on if shit goes wrong. And yes, Michelle…
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Dear People Without Children On Facebook…
Can I talk my shit? I think I can talk my shit. I’m gon’ talk my shit. It’s August in America, which means that for a significant number of people, it is around the time that their children – those sometimes tiny, bite sized creatures who don’t know much of shit but swear they do…
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Black People Don't Hate Dogs. We Just Hate When Their Lives Are Valued More Than Ours
My Pittsburgh Steelers are apparently courting Michael Vick to become their new back up QB. There are several reasons to be for (i.e.: the Steelers haven’t had a back up QB with an actual pulse since Charlie Batch) or against (i.e.: Michael Vick is the same age as “Rapper’s Delight”) this move. (For the record, I’m for…
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The One Superpower All Black People Possess? Detecting Blackness
Now that the Shaun King “controversy” has apparently been settled, and the right-wing trolls have returned to their cages and their shifts at Dick’s Sporting Goods, I’m still legitimately fascinated with — but not surprised by — the fact that so many people doubted King’s ethnicity. And I’m not talking about the cretins scouring for any reason to…
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This Shaun King Takedown Attempt Is Fuckin' Ridiculous
I’m so appalled. Over the past few days, conservative, right-wing people and sites like Glen Bleck, Breitbart, and The Blaze (amongst others) have accused Shaun King, an activist who gained significant attention after his in-depth analyses and social media campaign in the wake of the killing of Michael Brown by Officer Darren Wilson in August of…
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Thank God The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Isn't Being Rebooted
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air may be my favorite television show of all time. Yes, I liked it even more than The Wire, Law & Order: SVU, and Unsolved Mysteries. I loved A Different World, and liked The Cosby Show Family Matters, but I was all about Fresh Prince. So when “news” broke that the…
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Yes, Participation Trophies Are Stupid, But James Harrison Is A Shitty Parent
Let’s just get this out of the way. Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker James Harrison was recently in the news for an Instagram post where he took a picture of trophies his sons were awarded for participating in a sports league, and wrote that he was giving them back. His rationale? Trophies need to be earned, not…
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Grits, Oatmeal, And Cream Of Wheat Are The Rock-Paper-Scissors Of Breakfast Food
Think about it. Grits always beats oatmeal. If you have a choice between grits and oatmeal, you choose grits every single time. Unless, of course, you’re either a Big Sean fan or actually Big Sean. And, if this is true, you probably eat oatmeal with a fork, so you don’t matter anyway. But, oatmeal beats…
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Shit That Won't Let Me Be Great
YOU know you are truly the special snowflake your third grade teacher said you would be, but that hasn’t become apparent to the rest of the world just yet. Mainly because: Reality. But also because: Money, Time, Sleep, Ambition, Personality Flaws, and Carbs. But why stop there? There are plenty of day-to-day obstacles that stop…
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A Case For Why Grits Are Overrated
Earlier this week, I met a friend for breakfast at Carmi Soul Food Restaurant — a place roundly considered to have the best soul food in Pittsburgh. This status is not undeserved. Everything I’ve had there — chicken and waffles, stuffed porkchops, pancakes, mac and cheese, etc — has been great. It’s so great that everyone who…