mitch mcconnell
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How Machiavelli Mitch McConnell Got Kicked Out of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Everyone knows Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael and Donatello but no one knows the story of Machiavelli Mitch McConnell. The short version goes like this: Machiavelli Mitch wouldn’t wear his mask because he didn’t believe that he could catch the coronavirus. He also refused to change his name to a renaissance artist because he was all pissed…
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No Mitch-Assness: Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell Continues to be a ‘Mitch,’ and This Time, Andrew Cuomo Dunks on Him
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) is not just a human bobblehead doll. Currently, he’s leading Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz in the hotly contested GOP punchable face list, so it’s only right that on Wednesday, the Republican senator came out of his turtle-faced mouth to suggest that those states that have been hit the hardest…
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Can Mitch McConnell Social Distance From America? Now He’s Blaming Trump’s Ham-Handed Coronavirus Response on Impeachment
Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell is proof that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are real; it’s just that no one is willing to go down into the sewer to find out. Because he’s a slimy-sewer dweller, McConnell is now blaming Trump’s horrid response to the coronavirus on none other than Democrats and their push to impeach…
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Unfortunately, The Worst People Will Survive This Too
The compulsion to convince ourselves that bad things will eventually happen to bad people can be seductive and cathartic. It’s also embedded in most of the lessons taught to us as kids. Children’s stories and fairytales usually end with the “good” winning and the evil receiving some sort of punishment. The concepts of fair play…
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Sen. McConnell Introduces Coronavirus Stimulus Measures
The COVID-19 pandemic isn’t just a threat to our personal health, it has also presented a massive challenge to our economic well being. Many companies have already laid off workers, and those who are still working face shorter hours and possible exposure to the virus. Those who have been given paid leave for the next…
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The Impeachment of Donald J. Trump, Part 1: Pre-Fight Fuss Fight
The Senate impeachment trial of Russian Vice President Donald J. Trump began around 1 p.m. Tuesday, and here’s what’s happened and what we expect to happen on the first day. Senators, House Managers—aka the “Hit Squad”—and the White House counsel were all present and ready to go. Chief Justice Roberts brought the trial to session,…
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Impeachment Season Is Drawing to a Close: Donald Trump’s Senate Trial to Begin This Week
Folks, it’s time to steam that impeachment outfit. The Senate impeachment trial of Donald J(ulius d’Orange) Trump will begin this week, according to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. The timeline was spurred by an announcement today from Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) that the House will vote on a resolution moving the impeachment process forward on…
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Mitch McConnell Is Prepared to Push Impeachment Trial Rules Forward Without Democrats
In what continues to be an impeachment trial tug of war over whether witnesses would be allowed to testify, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell might’ve drummed up enough support to pass his version of rules that would halt Democrats’ push to call for new evidence and witnesses until after the trial begins. According to Politico, no…
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Sen. Mitch McConnell Just Threw a $1 Billion Gift to His Home State, Just in Time for His Reelection Campaign
Have you heard the fable about the hare and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.)? It goes like this: The hare was Usain Bolt fast. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was not only slow, he was a whole bitch. The two were set to race and Vegas couldn’t figure out why the Republican money was…
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Republican Gets Spine for Christmas, Finds That Mitch McConnell Is Shady AF
In news that can only be described as shocking, Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski told an Anchorage TV station that she’s “disturbed” by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s (R-Ky.) admission that he’s already decided his position on Trump’s impeachment. McConnell, the result of a turtle falling in love with a boat shoe and having unprotected sex,…