Joe Biden
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Trashcan Lannister Attempts to Dunk on Joe Biden While Nation Anxiously Waits for Her to Get COVID-19 Too
Early this morning, backslid humanoid Termite Listeriosis emerged from her deep slumber on a dumpster in an outhouse adjoined to a Barbie Dream Trap House to remind the world that a) she still exists and b) probably shouldn’t. Decades from now, when Torrential Laceration’s brain is devoted to science, perhaps we’ll finally understand the psychosis…
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Survey Shows Black Voters Are Fired Up to Vote Trump Out, With Many Planning to Vote in Person
With less than a month before Election Day, organizations across the country are ramping up their efforts to get out the vote in what could be the most tumultuous election in modern history. President Donald Trump has suggested that he will not concede the election if he loses, and it’s still unclear how the novel…
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Rona in the White House: Trump Hospitalized With COVID-19 Symptoms Amid Indications Rose Garden Ceremony Was Superspreader Event [Updated]
Since news broke on Friday that President Trump and his first lady Melania have tested positive for COVID-19, the situation with the president seems to have rapidly developed—or at least the administration’s public acknowledgment of the reality of coronavirus. On Friday night, the White House announced that Trump has been hospitalized at the Walter Reed…
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Debate Commission Working to Provide More Structure After Tuesday Night's Debacle. Here Are Some Suggestions
Following the shitshow masquerading as the first presidential debate Tuesday night, the Commission on Presidential Debates has promised format changes for the second debate. NBC News reports that the changes come as a result of President Donald Trump constantly flaunting the established rules. The result was a debate rife with interruptions and name-calling, with little…
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After Telling the Proud Boys to Wait for the Signal, Trump Now Claims He Doesn’t Know Who They Are
On Wednesday, the president of people who openly root for the Proud Boys brand of whatever the hell it is they do now claims that he doesn’t know the far-right group or why they dress like they attend a private school. Trump’s version of Mariah Carey’s smash GIF, “I don’t know her” comes just a…
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Donald Trump Jr. Speaks Rapidly Before Debate; Twitter Wants to Know If He’s on Coke
Tuesday was a big day for the Trump family—and no, the family wasn’t going to meet Melania’s boyfriend. “Big Donald,” as they call him at the Hair Cuttery, was heading into his first presidential debate against Joe Biden and Donald Trump Jr. couldn’t contain his excitement. Either that or “Not Ivanka”—as they call him around…
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Proud Boys Celebrate Trump's Call to 'Stand Back and Stand By' During Tuesday's Debate
The Grand Wizard…sorry, president of the United States horrified a lot of people Tuesday night with his astoundingly atrocious debate performance. Not everyone was plunged into a pit of existential despair, though, as the Proud Boys were celebrating the co-sign President Trump gave them during the debate. NBC News reports that multiple social media accounts…
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America Ain't Better Than This
I forget exactly how old I was. Maybe 9. Maybe 10. It was summer. A Sunday. Dad and I were preparing to spend the day at the hoop courts behind Reizenstein—him running full on the main court with the rest of the oldheads, and me doing Mikans and playing 33 on side hoops with whichever…
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5 Things We Learned From the Worst Verzuz Battle in American History
If the Rockettes dressed in poop emoji costumes kicked oversized, stuffed poop emojis into a crowd of NASCAR fans while trying to put out a dumpster fire inside a locker room toilet, it still would’ve been less of a shitshow than what happened Tuesday night. Former Vice President Joe Biden and the President of the…