Donald Trump
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Trump Called Out Attorney General Jeff Sessions Because He Doesn’t Understand How This Works
The president is proof that a subhuman nonthinking white man can one day become the leader of the free world. Asparagus should feel inspired. Sure, it is nonverbal, and yes, it is merely a vegetable, but other than color, what’s the difference between asparagus and the president? Seriously, they both know about the same when…
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Could a Russian Call Girl Be the Straw That Breaks This Joe Camel-Colored President’s Back?
Nastya Rybka claims to have been the mistress of Russian billionaire Oleg Deripaska. Why should you care about this? Well, Rybka also claims to be able to connect all of the dots missing from the Russia investigation and President Donald J. Trump. Rybka was recently arrested and thrown into a Thai jail and now, most…
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Let the Probing Begin: Mueller Is All Up in Trump’s Russian Business Now
Shit just got real, ladies and gentlemen. We have been waiting to see where Robert Mueller’s probe was going to go as far as Donald Trump was concerned, and now we know. The special counsel is now looking into Trump’s business activities prior to his candidacy for the U.S. presidency. CNN reports that Mueller’s investigators…
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Vladimir TrumPutin to Run for President in 2020; Hopefully He’ll Be Impeached Before This Happens
Talking about jumping the gun: The president of KhakiPants, Kan., is reportedly running for president in 2020, but he may want to focus on staying in office in 2018. As it stands, the Kremlin walls of collusion with Russia are closing in, and who does the president tap to run his 2020 campaign? Brad Parscale.…
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Trump’s Latest Tweet Proves Russia Investigation Is Heating Up
One thing I’ve learned since President Donald Trump took office is that he isn’t even remotely sophisticated. A benefit that we—those of us who didn’t vote for Trump—have is that because he wears his emotions, as well as his presidential number, on his sleeve—we see you, 45! On Tuesday the president finished up his morning…
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10 Presidents More Likely to Save You Than Trump
Today, much of America is still in shock or mourning over the deaths of 17 kids and staff at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla. Not President Donald Trump, though; he’s out stunting, bashing the armed school security officer for not running into the school to save the kids, and of course, making…
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Watch Sarah ‘Suckabee’ Sanders Explain What the President Really Meant When He Claimed He Would’ve Run Into Florida High School
The devil speaks in his native language, which to many isn’t an actual language; it’s just mere sounds and grunts and vomit noises. As such, the devil often needs a translator: Enter Sarah Huckabee Sanders, aka Suckabee. One of Suckabee’s few jobs is to translate for the devil, who, for years, has been losing some…
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Video of Me Was Used to Introduce Donald Trump at the Conservative Political Action Conference and I’m Pretty Sure I’m on a Watch List
I should cosplay as the characters from Undercover Brother or The Spook Who Sat by the Door. I have parachuted in to report at just about every single right-wing, alt-conservative confab you can think of over the last few years. Red State, the NRA convention and GOP conventions. If the Fox News, “Make America great…
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Ivanka Trump on Her Father’s 19 Sexual Assault Accusers: ‘I Believe My Father’
The number of accusers claiming that President Donald Trump sexually assaulted them stands at 19. Nineteen women have come out to claim that before the president became the president, he was sexually inappropriate. The claims of these 19 women run the gamut from unwanted touching to unwanted kissing, and Trump’s daughter Ivanka Trump, a champion…
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Donald Trump Wants to Kill Major Drug Dealers: Report
If President Donald Trump had his way, he would “love to have a law” that sentences major drug dealers to death. According to Axios, the president is fascinated by countries like Singapore and the Philippines that don’t seem to have a rapid drug problem because of the death penalty for major offenders. “He says that…