Donald Trump
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Trump Had Unprotected Sex With Stormy Daniels and Everything Else You Didn’t Want to Know About That 60 Minutes Interview
If I were the proud owner of a vagina but had made the strategic error of allowing Donald Trump not only to be inside it but also to enter the premises without the protection of a condom, I would let that story go to my grave. I find it funny that a self-professed germophobe would…
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Joe Biden Wanting to Punch Donald Trump Behind the Bleachers Isn’t About Toxic Masculinity or Being Tough; It’s Just Bad Politics
I got into a lot of fights when I was a kid. I’m not talking shoving matches on the playground—I mean knockdown, torn-clothes, busted-lip, black eye fights where, if I didn’t put the other kid down, he was going to come back and hurt me, usually with some other kids in tow. I wasn’t really…
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Trump’s ‘Opioid Czar’ Kellyanne Conway Has Found the Solution to the Opioid Crisis: Ice Cream!
The reanimated skeletal remains of Kellyanne Conway were seen at the White House. Stephen, Kellyanne Conway didn’t die. But I clearly saw a skeleton speaking, which is what this story was going to be about. That was Kellyanne Conway. What? The broom with the 1980s weightlifter wig IS Kellyanne Conway … Kellyanne Conway, aka Skellyanne,…
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President Pump-Fake Throws Another Twitter Tantrum, Threatens to Veto Spending Bill, and No One Believes Him
On Friday, President Donald Trump, who this week alone has claimed that he would beat the daylights out of former Vice President Joe Biden, explained why he made a congratulatory call to a Russian gangster posing as a president, and typed “witch hunt” in all caps, has again gone to Twitter to claim that he’s…
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Trump Ousts McMaster and Replaces Him With Warmonger John Bolton
As of Thursday, Donald Trump is on his third national security adviser. He has ousted Lt. Gen. H.R. McMaster and replaced him with former American Ambassador to the United Nations John R. Bolton, a known warmonger and Fox News contributor. As the New York Times reports, McMaster—who never had a good relationship with Trump—was meant…
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If I Wanted to See 2 70-Year-Old White Men Fight, I’d Go to Cracker Barrel This Weekend
I know, I know, I know, I know. Joe Biden is everyone’s cool and tough septuagenarian home slice. And while I’m not in the business of granting white people invites to the mythical and now waaaaaaay overcrowded cookout, I know “Uncle Joe” is on a lot of people’s invitee lists. (Also, if he is invited…
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Biden Would ‘Go Down Fast and Hard,’ Says Borderline-Obese 71-Year-Old With Bone Spurs
Well, this all got super stupid, super quickly. Donald Trump woke up with a bone to pick with former Vice President Joe Biden after Biden told students at the University of Miami earlier this week that he would have “beat the hell out” of Trump if they’d gone to school together. Furiously tweeting about “Crazy…
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White House Staffer Leaks That Trump Was Warned Not to Congratulate Putin, Then Trump Got Mad About the Leak and Someone Leaked That
Because the White House staff has to talk to the president of the United States like he’s a third-grader, national security advisers put the words “DO NOT CONGRATULATE” in all caps so that the old fool would be sure not to celebrate the sham election win by Russian dictator Vladimir Putin during a call Tuesday.…
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Let’s Discuss How Republicans in Congress Are Complicit in Trump’s Bullshit
There is a $1.3 trillion spending bill being worked on in Congress right now. Democrats wanted to add language to the bill that would protect special counsel Robert Mueller and keep him from being fired by the president. Although a good many of them said that they believe Mueller should be allowed to finish the…
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Trump Congratulates Putin on His Re-Election Because He Loves the Russian President More Than He Loves America
Donald Trump loves Vladimir Putin. He openly wants to be him. He secretly wishes that he could be the president of a mob country that hosts sham elections like Putin. Like a teenage boy who’s been forbidden from hanging with the troubled boy down the street, Trump has sneaked out of the house to smoke…