While he is known for raining 3-pointers from long distances and handling the rock with as much ease and agility as Donald Trump manipulates throngs of Appalachian Caucasian rallygoers, until this week, very few people knew that Stephen Curry is also highly regarded as one of the pettiest motherfuckers on the planet. In two separate incidents this week, he has bolstered his claim to having his face carved into Mount Rushmore as Petty Roosevelt, raising his petty points to a level you can’t help but love.
Everyone knows that all the great NBA players are petty. Russell Westbrook is still steaming over the fact that Kevin Durant left Oklahoma City and joined the rival Warriors. In the pettiest Hall of Fame induction speech ever, Michael Jordan revealed that he still holds a grudge against every player who ever looked at him funny. Future Hall-of-Famer Kevin Garnett still holds the league’s single-game record for pettiness, when—on Jan. 7, 2013—he allegedly whispered in Carmelo Anthony’s ear: “Your wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios.”
And then there is Steph Curry.
On the Petty Shabazz “By any memes necessary” scale of 1-10, Curry is a 317. He doesn’t let shit slide. If you tripped him in a hallway in kindergarten, Curry would wait until you were in the 12th grade, and as you were walking down the aisle to receive your diploma at your high school graduation, he’d leg-sweep you in front of the entire school.
He’s just that petty.
A year ago, after Cleveland snatched the title from Golden State’s grasp, LeBron James’ menacing scowl following a monster dunk on Curry during the NBA Finals was the meme of the summer. Although he handled it gracefully, Curry, I’m sure, was at home all during the off-season doing petty pushups and clapback barbell extensions getting ready to pay James and the Cavs back.
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So after winning the 2017 NBA title, Curry just couldn’t let it be. The win wasn’t enough. He remembered the meme. But like a Kardashian with a Taylor Swift text, instead of pouncing, he waited. A few days after losing the championship, James posted this workout video:
Curry could’ve gone in right there. He could’ve asked James, “Why you so mad? Oh that’s right ... my bad.” He could’ve said, “To be fair, the front one third of your hairline was kinda bald already.” NBA players love Twitter and Instagram beefs, but not Steph Curry. Instead, he took this as an opportunity to submit his thesis for his Ph.D. in pettynomics.
So he waited. He waited until he was surrounded by NBA players at former teammate Harrison Barnes’ wedding on July 30. Curry waited until Kyrie Irving, Bron-Bron’s teammate, who is demanding a trade, was gathered around, and then he re-created James’ workout video in the pettiest Soul Train line dance ever recorded:
But that wouldn’t even prove to be Curry’s pettiest move this week.
After attending the wedding, Curry packed his bags and left to play in his first professional golf tournament—the Ellie Mae Classic. (By the way, as soon as I finish this article, I will be submitting the previous sentence to the Pulitzer Prize committee for consideration in the category of “Whitest Sentence Ever Written.” I think there’s an award for that.)
Anyway, ESPN’s SportsCenter anchor and perennial all-star in the Cool-Ass White Guys League, Scott Van Pelt, advised viewers that Vegas oddsmakers were betting that Curry couldn’t shoot a round under 76 in the tournament. As soon as Van Pelt said it, little-known PGA Tour professional Steve Wheatcroft said there was “no chance in hell” Curry would do it. After all, Wheatcroft is a pro, and Curry is just some basketball dude. So Wheatcroft tweeted this:
A regular person like you or me would have clapped back immediately, but Steph Curry, a Jedi of pettiness, kept his light saber sheathed. What did he do instead?
He just went out and shot a 74 Thursday, shaming everyone who doubted him and forcing Wheatcroft to eat crow. Then, I would imagine, he went home, made himself a peanut butter and petty sandwich, and sat down at the kitchen table before tweeting this clapback:
And then, just before Curry went to bed to dream sweet, petty-ass dreams, he probably heard another golfer take a shot at him, doubting his abilities. Another PGA pro with too many Ds in his too-many names promised he’d eat his golf bag if Curry broke 80 again. It seemed like a safe bet. Curry is not a professional golfer, and some of the pros in the tournament couldn’t even score that low two days in a row.
But other golfers aren’t Stephen Curry. Curry went out the second day of the tournament and shot another 74, beating three pros in the field and tying another.
There are some who will say this proves how gifted an athlete this particular individual is. Some will say this shows that whatever Curry puts his mind to, he can achieve. Others may think this shows Stephen Curry’s will to face and conquer any challenge.
Nah. He’s just petty as fuck.