South Carolina Woman Arrested for Lies After Allegedly Telling Police a Black Man Assaulted Her

Kristen Rhimes
Photo: Alvin S. Glenn Detention Center

Investigators arrested a South Carolina woman for lying to police after they discovered her story about being brutally attacked by a black man in a Walmart parking lot was as real as Donald Trump’s stable genius or Jacquees’ coronation ceremony as the king of R&B.

According to The State, 27-year-old Kristen Michelle Rhimes was charged with felonies that could each result in five-year prison sentences in relation to a Nov. 26 incident when she told authorities that a male of the Negro variety attacked her from behind and attempted what police considered to be a sexual assault.

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Rhimes initially told police she had pulled into a Walmart parking lot in Columbia, South Carolina, to enter an address in the GPS around 11:30 p.m. when she heard a voice say, “Hey girl.” But it was not an interlude from a Barry White album; it was one of “the blacks.”

“I didn’t see anybody, just heard a voice. I said I wasn’t interested and I just rolled my window up,” Rhimes told the Cola Daily. “I had put my car in park and I didn’t think about how my doors unlock automatically when I do that.”

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That’s when Rhimes said a man opened her car door, pulled her out, and smashed her head against the concrete.

“He started tugging on my pants. Then I suddenly hear another guy scream, ‘What’s going on over there?’ And at that point, the guy took off,” Rhimes explained. “The man who yelled never came back, I just take it as an angel sent from God right at that time.”

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In describing her assailant, Rhimes painted a picture of a typical rabid thug type to police. “He was a black male, medium build, wearing a hoodie with a jacket over it,” Rhimes said.

Once the story went public, guess who was blamed? Here’s one comment:

When they moved the section 8 housing in to all the duplexes and apartments off Columbiana Drive and elsewehre off Harbison Blvd and the town went to garbage. Crome rates soared, property values declined and school ratings went to crap. But, im probably a bigot for noticing that with subsidized housing comes a slew of garbage raising up kids to be lazy crime driven system milking garbage as well right? The truth hurts i know but it is what it is. Move the section 8 crap out of Irmo and fill those apartments with people who want to work, have an education past the 9th grade when they dropped out, abide by laws, can function in society without acting like a damn animal and all of a sudden watch the crime rate drop, watch the school ratings go up, watch home values once again rise, watch grafitti decline, and watch Irmo again become a decent safe place to live where women can get out of their cars in parking lots without being raped or assaulted.

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Police said the incident caused a “public concern” and began searching for the culprit. Rhimes posted pictures of her injuries to social media while friends and co-workers rallied around the victim, pleading with people to be careful and “travel in pairs,” because you never know when you might encounter a lascivious Lamont lurking in the shadows preparing to pounce on an unprotected Caucasian bird box.

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During their quest for either Tupac, Trayvon Martin, or me (because I love hoodies), police discovered a few inconsistencies in Rhimes story. Namely, all of it.

It turns out Rhimes was never at the Walmart that night, nor was she attacked, police said in a news release. Rhimes was booked at the Alvin S. Glenn Detention Center in December, charged with filing a false report and false swearing. Both charges are felonies carrying a maximum penalty of five years in prison.

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This is not new.

In June, Mary Zolkoski was sentenced to 45 days in jail for telling Michigan police she was raped in the parking lot of Delta College. That same month, Nikki Yovino pleaded guilty to falsely accusing two black Sacred Heart University football players of raping her in the bathroom. In 2017, Breanna Harmon told police she was kidnapped and raped by three black men in Dennison, Texas. All of these assaults were as real as Umar Johnson’s Hogwarts School for Hotep Wizards.

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Tupac maintains his innocence.

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.