Woke up to some truly awful news. The kind that sends you into shock: You can’t get properly angry or sad. You just go numb.
At least, that’s been my reaction to really bad news of late. First, go into shock. Then, prepare for battle.
I’m thinking it’s the loony pills. I just don’t wig out like I used to. I’m upset, but I’m chill – on the outside. For the inside I have Tums, and took four at 6 a.m., then two more at 10 (giving me 180 percent of my daily calcium requirement!). In between, I had a light, protein-rich breakfast that my gastric system immediately flagged for unnecessary roughness. I couldn’t eat another thing until 4 p.m. – 12 hours after the rude awakening.
That’s fine. You’ll never hear me complain of a loss of appetite.
Fortunately, I already had an 11 a.m. appointment with Tanza, so had an outlet to really vent my (unimpressive) amount of outrage and, more importantly, tell her about the steps I’d already taken to slow the bleeding, as it were. The big, hairy problem is rooted in finances, as is all evil, so I also had to immediately cut out luxuries, of which I have precious few. I’ve always had a hard time spending money on myself, but I have been spending quite a bit lately on necessities for a healthier lifestyle, including vitamins. I really cannot afford to give those up.
But new gymshoes, sweats and my own medicine ball will have to wait a bit longer. So will my personal training sessions. I had one scheduled for tomorrow morning, and I called Leslie to cancel. Yes, they’re tortuous; yes, they leave me sore. But it’s that good kind of sore. Scoff if you must, but I’m really sad to let those go. Once this crisis has passed, they’ll be the first thing I return to the budget.
I’m just really thrilled I didn’t go out and buy a bag of Reese’s miniatures.
This is new behavior. Yes, my central nervous system (read: stomach) is a bit in knots, but for the first time in forever I’m not jonesing for sugar. In the past, I’d seriously be halfway through a carton of ice cream by now. It’s probably the protein. I’ve gradually increased my protein intake the past 10 days, as suggested by my gym’s manager, and steadily cut back on carbs. The protein – I made a great chili last week with ground beef, turkey sausage and, of course kidney beans – is much more satisfying and stays with me longer. I’m curious what the scale says, but I’m still on those (expletive deleted) steroids. I’m so puffy and bloated; if I weighed myself now I’d just get my feelings hurt. Two days left to go on the Prednisone, and it will likely be another week before my swelling and bloating dissipates.
I can wait.
Meantime, old habits die hard. I keep thinking about those Reese’s miniatures, as if I’m trying to convince myself that I need them, but I honestly don’t have a taste for them.
Probably still in shock.
There cannot be a stressful crisis next week. My schedule is already full. ~ Henry Kissinger
Leslie J. Ansley is an award-winning journalist and entrepreneur who blogs daily for TheRoot. She lives in Raleigh, NC.