Something Mysterious Is Happening With Michael Cohen But No One Knows Because It's Locked in a Vault

Illustration for article titled Something Mysterious Is Happening With Michael Cohen But No One Knows Because Its Locked in a Vault
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Where is Geraldo Rivera when you need him to get to the bottom of some secret vault shit?!

On Wednesday, someone filed a document with something about a criminal case involving President Trump’s former lawyer and forever duffel bag carrier, Michael Cohen. And no one knows who filed it or what it says because it’s apparently secured in a vault!

According to CNBC, notice that a document, which cannot be viewed by the public, and information explaining that the document, has been “placed in vault” at U.S. District Court in Manhattan, is all anyone knows.


The secret vault filing comes only a week after Cohen, 52, was sentenced to three years in the pokey for pleading guilty in cases “brought separately by federal prosecutors in New York, and by the office of special counsel Robert Mueller.”

The sealed document, which no one can see because it’s in a fucking vault, was filed in a case brought against Cohen by the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of New York.

Cohen has already pleaded guilty to tax evasion “making false statements to a bank, and to campaign contribution crimes related to the payments of hush money to two women who claim they had affairs with Trump,” and loving a president who didn’t love him back, which is technically a crime of the heart.

Cohen has already admitted that he lied to Mueller about plans to build a Trump Tower in Moscow and when that plan ended. We now know that Trump and Cohen were involved in negotiations with Russia and that Trump signed a letter of intent to move along with the plans to build in Moscow.


Cohen’s lawyer Guy Petrillo, nor a spokesman for federal prosecutors in New York immediately responded to CNBC’s emails asking who put the charges in the vault and what they said.

Cohen is now on the “Bringing Sexy Back” tour in which he paints himself as a misguided, lovestruck fanboy of Trump. Now that he’s left the cult and seen the light, he really wants to do what’s right to heal the world.


It’s funny how prison time can bring that patriotism back into alignment.

The only things I can think of that is serious enough to be locked in a vault are:

  • Donald Trump’s tax returns.
  • A recording of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin.
  • A 4K, high-definition copy of the Russian pee tape.

Cohen is scheduled to surrender to authorities on March 6, when he will also be locked in a vault.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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Cohen is scheduled to surrender to authorities on March 6

! “OK, we need you to turn yourself in. What time would work for you?”