Six Things That Will Definitely Happen Before Antonio Brown Buys an NFL Team

The most important insight in Nexflix’ brilliant jeen-yuhs documentary is that Kanye West’s greatest talent, besides being a fantastically gifted and excruciatingly troubled musical mastermind, is his complete conviction that he can make anything happen. Even if you think his ideas are absolute nonsense, his self-assurance is infectious, which might explain how he convinces people of ridiculous things, like the sartorial appeal of fugly-ass moon boots, or that a twice-suspended NFL star who ended his last game by half-stripping and walking off the field can lead a bid to buy the Denver Broncos. That player, of course, is Antonio Brown, who despite being the most spectacular WR of his generation managed inglorious exits from teams led by a list of coaches with HOF credentials (Tomlin, Roethlisberger, Belichick, Brady twice) and now, somehow believes that the NFL’s cartel-style ownership group will actually approve him owning the Denver Broncos. Last month he tweeted the idea; now he’s telling TMZ that he really, really believes it’s possible.

It is, of course, not possible. That’s less a commentary on whether Brown could raise the scratch needed for a transaction in the $4 billion range, or on his potential acumen as an executive either at West’s Donda Sports or leading the Broncos. It is to say that there’s a long list of things that would happen before the NFL’s 32 owners game him a unanimous nod to buy into their club. Here’s a partial list of those things, in no particular order:

1) The NFL will have all-Black head coaches for an entire season. This in itself is nearly impossible in a league currently being sued for discrimination by a coach who’s currently employed by the team owned by the family that created the NFL’s rule on minority hiring, but I’d bet on this before Antonio Brown getting an ownership nod.2) The Cleveland Browns winning a Super Bowl. The Browns almost always find a way to fumble a bag, like trading away Odell Beckham Jr. just in time for him to win his first chip while they finished in the AFC North basement. But with middle-of-the-pack odds to win it all next season, the Clownies’ first Lombardi is more likely than AB in the owners’ suite.3) Tom Brady retiring. Yeah, he already retired but does anybody actually believe he’s retired? Brady is like the undead in Zombieland; you gotta double-tap to make sure he’s actually gone or he’ll get you. It’s more likely that he starts week one than Brown buys in.4) Vladimir Putin becomes a U.S. citizen. It wouldn’t be the first time a sworn enemy of the United States slipped in quietly and lived our their days in peace. Brown, however, would be the first Black owner in the NFL–and he has stronger competition for that spot.5) Bill Barr becomes a BLM activist. Barr did two stints as attorney general of the United States and worked in the White House under Reagan. His own Justice Department was responsible for charging the four cops now convicted on federal charges of violating George Floyd’s civil rights, but he told NBC News’ Lester Holt last week that systemic racism in policing doesn’t exist despite the fact that it’s literally impossible for him to not have seen data to the contrary. He’ll change his mind before AB owns an NFL team.

6) Hell freezing over. Self-explanatory.