Shit Bougie Black People Love: 35. Pretending to Enjoy La Croix

Illustration for article titled Shit Bougie Black People Love: 35. Pretending to Enjoy La Croix
Photo: Randy Shropshire (Getty Images)

Although bougie black people have grown to be adaptable to all seasons, summertime is when they’re truly in their element. Between the numerous festivals, fests, day parties, block parties, clam bakes, fish fries, boat rides, and bottomless trap brunches occurring weekly in places BBP congregate, it provides them prime opportunity to see and be seen. Because what’s the point of protective styles for 11 months straight if you can’t wear your hair out for two weeks in July?


And, if you happen to be friendly with a BBP, they might invite you to a gathering they’re having. A house party. A housewarming, perhaps. Maybe even a backyard cookout. If you decide to attend and need to know what’s available to drink, the ever-gracious BBP host will likely inform you that there’s bottled water, alcohol, and “secret specialty punch,” which’ll probably just be sangria mixed with San Pellegrino.

And then they’ll say, “Oh, and we have La Croix, too.”

Although listing La Croix may have seemed like an afterthought, mentioning it to you was intentional. Because they hope—they wish—that you might be the one person who actually enjoys drinking it and will hopefully rid them of the dozen cans of it in the cooler.

La Croix is a perpetual conundrum, as the presence of it at parties is the source of the greatest BBP-related mystery. By this point, everyone knows that, regardless of the “flavor,” it tastes like a hybrid of gentrification and erectile dysfunction. But when planning for gatherings and shopping for items, BBP still find a way to grab a case of La Croix. Perhaps just in case they’ve invited someone to the party who’ll request a beverage that tastes like the last 10 minutes of Infinity War.

Anyway, if this is offered to you, the best thing to do would be to thank them for it, accept it, and then, when no one is looking, leave the party for a moment to place in the trunk of your car. Although it’s not safe to drink, I’ve heard that it can be a convenient (and sugar free!) alternative to gasoline.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)


Yesha Callahan’s no secret..I love it...

Love it even more w/vodka...