Shit Bougie Black People Love: 31. Unnecessary Hashtags


Bougie Black People are always doing things. In college, while the rest of their classmates were doing things like "listening to Sisqo" and "fucking on twin beds," Bougie Black People spent the bulk of their time "writing spoken word poetry they'd never perform" and "vacillating between 'hating White people' and 'dating White people."


As they transitioned into adulthood, they continued doing things, often for the sake of just having a thing to do. This is a phenomenon commonly referred to as "doing the most." They don't just juice for a month. They juice every 4th meal for the first three weeks of June. They take 17-person selfies while on elevated train platforms. They make vacation plans for the summer of 2019. They found unnecessary non-profits just so they can make additions to their Linkedin profiles. They have twerk contests at couscous recipe parties. They spend more time editing Facebook statuses 17 people will read than they spent actually doing the thing they're writing the status about. They eat Ethiopian food. And (voluntarily) listen to Travis Scott.

Of course, Bougie Black People want you to know they're doing the most. But they don't want to tell you they're doing the most, because that would be rude. And the only thing worse than being rude is being a Kappa.

Fortunately, social media has provided them a loophole; a quasi witty way to signal that they're doing the most without actually articulating it: The unnecessary hashtag. Now, instead of just being at brunch, they can remind everyone that they're #blessed and that they #waitedtoolongintheomeletline but #theomeletwasstillrightthough and that #theguyatthewafflestationlooksjustlikedamianlillard. Instead of just being in an Uber with friends, they're letting everyone know that they're #ridingtothegapwithmywoes and #cantwaitforthefoodcourt because #chickfilassugarfreelemonadeisfire and #itsevenbetterwithnoicecubes but #youstillmightneedtheicecubestobalanceoutthesweetness.

Even doing literally nothing, like sitting at home on a Monday night, becomes an opportunity to inform that they're doing something, because it's #takecareofmemondays and #youneedsomealonetimesometime and the #sharktankmarathonisoncnbc.

The run-on-sentence-on-a-meth-bender nature of the Bougie Black Person's hashtag does not come without negatives. It can be especially difficult for a demographic who spent entire summers in libraries diagramming the sentences in Seventeen Magazine to condition themselves to publish such poor grammar. But they've made peace with that dilemma. Because there's no point in doing the most unless it is chronicled in some way.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)



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