Able to leap petty thieves in a single bound

As a kid, I was never really into comics. I watched the occasional Saturday-morning cartoons, but beyond that, the unique arcs and storylines of the Marvel and D.C. universes are something that I’ve come to understand more of only in recent years—usually while a male paramour is rabidly trying to explain that the schism between the X-Men and Inhumans is due to intellectual property rights and I just stare blankly and finish my bourbon.

But I’ve always been a fan of the hypothetical question, “If you had to pick one superhero power, what would it be?”

Previously, my answer was always, “The ability to take other folks’ talents”—which I know is like wishing for a million more wishes—but I figured I had precedent, since the X-Men Rogue (or X-Woman? I don’t really know the proper vernacular here) pretty much had that same ability. And listen, I know there was a whole plotline where she couldn’t have sex or she would kill dudes by touching them … but I mean, couldn’t she just get some gloves? I digress.

My previous convictions are irrelevant anyway. The next time someone asks me whose superpower I want, my answer is just going to be “Serena Williams,” because you simply cannot convince me she isn’t a superhero at this point.

We all know that Serena is the best active tennis player out right now—and arguably of all time. (If you don’t, feel free to email me your rebuttal and I’ll detail in painstaking fashion the exact number of ways you’ve got the game f—ked up.) She’s come back from presumably career-ending injuries, inexplicably in better shape than before. All while not even being a full-time professional athlete.


What I didn’t know is that when Serena isn’t busy assaulting folks on the tennis court, she is out here fighting crime.

Seriously. Serena busted out of a restaurant and chased down a petty thief without even batting an eye. I can’t even bother to give the teenagers who insist on playing music out loud from their cellphones during my daily morning commute anything more than a stink eye.

The cops certainly wouldn’t have recovered the phone for her, even if she had Find My iPhone turned on (as I painfully learned the time my phone was stolen from a DSW store). Props to her for saving the world from a 3,000-word Gawker article breaking down the leak of myriad texts and voicemails of varying levels of simplitude and whiny passive-aggressiveness from Aubrey Graham.*


At this point, do I even need to make a case for Serena as the next Avenger? I mean, what does Captain America really do besides be big and hot? We can kick him off the boat and bring some much-needed diversity to the roster. Hulk doesn’t even want to be an Avenger! Let him go find love with Scarlett Johansson.The Avengers 4 (or would the next one be 5? Or is it X-Men 5? What happened to simply numbering sequels? Subtitles are so hard to keep track of) should have Serena front and center with a weaponized tennis racket and that catsuit she wore at the U.S. Open.

Get on it, Marvel. She has plenty of free time between the Australian and French opens.

* I imagine they would all be along the lines of “I took home this chick from XYZ strip club after the show today, but I felt empty inside afterward because it wasn’t you.” Drake’s entire M.O. is romanticizing trash behavior.


Shamira Ibrahim is a 20-something New Yorker who likes all things Dipset. You can join her as she waxes poetic about chicken, Cam’ron and gentrification (gotta have some balance) under the influence of varying amounts of brown liquor at Very Smart Brothas.