Sen. Mitch McConnell Doesn’t Want Dems to Call Witnesses During Impeachment Trial Because He’s a Whole Bitch

Illustration for article titled Sen. Mitch McConnell Doesn’t Want Dems to Call Witnesses During Impeachment Trial Because He’s a Whole Bitch
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

On Tuesday, Sen. Mitch “Turtleneck” McConnell (R-Ky.) continued his mission to ruin the impeachment proceedings in the Senate by rejecting Democrats’ demands to have four White House officials called as witnesses because Mitch McConnell is a whole bitch.

Here’s what we know is happening: On Wednesday, the House is most certainly going to vote to impeach President Trump. Trump has been accused of abuse of power for soliciting a foreign country to help him politically and obstructing Congress by failing to cooperate with the House investigation. A trial is set to take place in the Senate where Turtleneck calls the shots, and, as a kiss-ass, McConnell has no intention of running a remotely fair trial.

I know what you are thinking: “But Stephen, it’s a trial, how can Democrats not be allowed to call witnesses?”


Exactly, dear reader. That’s because Mitch McConnell is a whole bitch who has no problem running a heavily weighted kangaroo court. Dems wanted to call four White House officials, including Mick Mulvaney, the White House chief of staff, and John R. Bolton, the former national security adviser, the New York Times reports. Both men have first-hand knowledge of the phone call between President Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, in which the president asked Zelensky to launch an investigation to find dirt on political rival Joe Biden and his son, Hunter, and held congressionally approved aid over the Ukrainian president’s head until he got what he asked for.

The Times notes that the White House has already blocked Mulvaney and Bolton from testifying during the House impeachment proceedings and McConnell is merely doing his lord’s work.

McConnell offered some lame excuse, noting that it was strange for Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) to even mention witnesses at this point since it was early in the proceedings.

“If House Democrats’ case is this deficient, this thin, the answer is not for the judge and jury to cure it here in the Senate,” he added, the Times reports. “The answer is that the House should not impeach on this basis in the first place.”


Schumer noted that a trial without witnesses “would be an aberration” and added that he’d be willing to have senators vote on whether to call witnesses and subpoena documents during the trial, the Times reports.

“I did not hear a single sentence, a single argument as to why the witnesses I suggested should not give testimony,” Schumer said of McConnell’s remarks. “Impeachment trials, like most trials, have witnesses.”


Schumer forgot one thing that might make this a bit easier to explain; Mitch McConnell is a whole bitch and as such, he’s hanging firmly from the belt loop closest to the president’s zipper.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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I’ll say it again: after his time in office Trump has a promising side career as a gender transition surgeon; he’s already turned a bunch of dicks into a bunch of pussies.