Sean Spicer Looks Like Howard the Duck in Human Form, Is Scared of Children and Is a Terrible Press Secretary

White House press secretary Sean Spicer yields the briefing-room podium to National Security Adviser Michael Flynn (Win McNamee/Getty Images)
White House press secretary Sean Spicer yields the briefing-room podium to National Security Adviser Michael Flynn (Win McNamee/Getty Images)

Sean Spicer often looks guilty of something. He looks like the person who went into the work refrigerator, saw the juice with your name on it and drank it anyway—and put it back with not the slightest ounce of shame. Spicer also seems like the driver you end up cursing out on the freeway because he sees you trying to get over to make an exit but speeds up to block you from doing so. For no other reason than he can and he likes to inflict pain on others. The man looks salty as hell at all times.

For those who missed this when he served as Republican National Committee spokesman, they’re learning it now that this curmudgeon, who looks exactly like Howard the Duck if Howard the Duck met a scientist who could turn him into a human being, serves as White House press secretary.

In his debut, Spicer did not take questions. Instead, Spicer berated the press for correctly reporting that the crowds for Minute Maid Mao’s inauguration were pathetic, or “Sad!” as some wannabe dictators would say. Evidently the man was sent out by his new boss to play into his delusions of grandeur and incessant need to be liked. After Spicer finished, he stormed off. Sadly, no reporter shouted, “Sashay, Shantay” as he exited the building—proving once again why more media outlets need to be more inclusive in their hiring.


Then came his “first official briefing” in which he actually took questions. Spicer got a lot of unwarranted praise for doing that, though anyone who watched the lengthy presser saw that he continued to treat members of the press as individuals he can’t wait to catch on the street. Spicer doesn’t deserve a participation award, beloveds.

Spicer is quite the reflection of the man he works for, though. He lies like hell. He’s harsh in his delivery. He speaks with a strong sense of entitlement. He wears suits that are way too big. He’s infuriating to watch. Most of all, Spicer is incredibly embarrassing.

During a press conference Monday, Spicer was addressing Minute Maid Mao’s executive action that restructured the National Security Council. While doing so, Spicer held up a printed tweet. Why? Because Spicer wanted to drill home the point that there had been “misreporting” on this issue.

However, as The Verge’s Lizzie Plaugic noted, “It seems unlikely anyone in the room or watching the live stream would have actually been able to read what was on the sheet of paper, but Spicer apparently felt he needed hard proof of the tweet’s existence.”


Cast members on shows like The Real Housewives of Wherever and Love & Hip Hop: Anywhere don’t even print out tweets at reunion shows. Spicer is out here holding White House press conferences that come across as live re-enactments of posts from the Shade Room. Yet for Spicer it gets much, much worse.

During that same press conference, Spicer was asked about the Muslim ban signed by Minute Maid Mao and its effect on travelers. Like, say, a 5-year-old boy whose mother is Iranian and who was detained after arriving at Washington Dulles International Airport. When asked if the ban should apply to 5-year-old kids, Spicer said yes. With a straight face at that.


Heaven, I need a hug, and God, I need to borrow your trusty lightning bolt.

“That’s why we slow [the process] down a little,” Spicer explained. “To make sure that if they are a 5-year-old, that maybe they’re with their parents and they don’t pose a threat. But to assume that just because of someone’s age or gender or whatever that they don’t pose a threat would be misguided and wrong.”


The child is fucking 5 years old. When the mother was reunited with her son, she sang “Happy Birthday” to him. For you basket of deplorables reading this, she sang the song in English, although the Persian remix would have been perfectly fine, too.

As Sen. Chris Van Hollen (D-Md.) revealed via Twitter, the boy in question was a U.S. citizen and a Maryland resident. Regardless of his status, he is a child. What is Spicer so afraid of? Does he think he’ll take his Happy Meal toy from McDonald’s? Will the boy trigger past trauma from not being selected for dodgeball? Please advise.


The day after, Spicer held another press conference where he was asked about the ban again and appeared to have developed a sudden case of amnesia or a new affinity for pathological lying. Indeed, when asked about the Muslim ban, Spicer snapped, “First of all, it’s not a travel ban.”

Spicer is surely following the lead of Minute Maid Mao, who has reversed course. In a statement, he wrote, “To be clear, this is not a Muslim ban as the media is falsely reporting. This is not about religion—this is about terror and keeping our country safe.”


But, but, but: He called it a ban throughout the campaign; he called it a ban recently on Twitter; former New York City Mayor, and horrible human being, Rudy Giuliani told Fox News days ago that Minute Maid Mao called him asking him how to legally implement a Muslim ban; and y’all’s president also said that he would give Christian refugees priority over others.

I understand that Spicer has to do his job, but he’s basically signed up to be Sweet Potato Pie Satan’s publicist—well, his bitch, but let’s just say “publicist” for now. Mere days into his new masochistic role, he has whined about the press, vilified a little boy and flat-out lied about an issue not even folks with short-term memory loss can forget that quickly.


Zoom, look at you go, Crazy Eyes Spicer.

Much like this buffoonish president, his white supremacist henchman serving as adviser and his blond, Elvira-looking counselor, Spicer feels like punishment. And like the rest of them, I wish him misery. May his job stress him out beyond measure because that’s what ought to happen to anyone who willfully goes to be the spokesperson for a mean megalomaniac. May he also continue to debase himself—a task that seems easily achievable.


Most of all, may the press see a pathetic man who would excuse the terrorizing of an innocent child for no reason other than bigotry and eviscerate him.

Vilifying a 5-year-old should have been Spicer’s nadir, but he is relentless at being a nimrod. Case in point, he said the name of a fallen Navy SEAL’s wife on national television. Can someone quickly alert Spicer to the factoid that Islamic State group, or ISIS, members are known to target the military on social media and that he may have put her at risk?


After that, can someone let him and 45 know that Frederick Douglass died in 1895?

Michael Arceneaux is the author of "I Can't Date Jesus," which will be released July 24, 2018 by Atria Books/Simon & Schuster, but go ahead and pre-order it now.

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If Michael’s article wasn’t enough to cause a visceral reaction in you (which it most certainly did to me, thank you for listing all the reasons why Spicy Facts is a Grade -A, Free Range, Organic Asshole), here is a photo from that GQ article quoted in the post:

This is what happens when hate and evil consume you. This is what happens when Satan takes over your body and soul. Pay heed.