Scott Pruitt Is the Most Baller EPA Administrator the World Has Ever Known

If Scott Pruitt had an Instagram page, it would just be photos of him flossing in first class, lounging in his Capitol Hill condo, fake-talking on the phone in his $43,000 phone booth and balling out in his Chevy Suburban with the bulletproof seat covers.

Seriously, who the fuck is Scott Pruitt, and what does he do that requires all of this flossiness? Who knows, but since taking over the Environmental Protection Agency, Pruitt has been balling, living his life like it’s golden, on the taxpayers’ dime.

According to the Washington Post, “Pruitt upgraded his official car last year to a costlier, larger vehicle with bullet-resistant covers over bucket seats.” Pruitt was issued a Chevrolet Tahoe but it wasn’t baller enough, so he switched to the larger Suburban because it was similar to what other Cabinet officials rode in. Federal records viewed by the Post indicate that the first year’s lease of the vehicle cost $10,200.

“The records show that the EPA administrator’s office signed a lease in June on the Suburban, paying more than $300 extra per month for upgrades such as a leather interior, bucket seats in the second row and WiFi and GPS navigation,” the Post reports.

The monthly payment on the vehicle is $839, according to the contract.

Noting the assassinations of former EPA officials Tupac and the Notorious B.I.G., and because of America’s history of violence against EPA officials (there is no history of violence against EPA officials), Pruitt’s security detail approved the addition of Kevlar seat covers.

And get this: The EPA administrator’s office reportedly leased a “2018 Suburban with four-wheel-drive, extra captain’s chairs, a sunroof and GPS navigation. A representative at the company said it doesn’t appear that the agency has taken possession of that vehicle,” the Post reports.

And what happened to the non-baller 2014 Chevy Tahoe that was used by the former EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy? Well, they renewed that lease, too, at a cost of $9,180, but who knows if anyone’s ever used it because ... 2014.

An EPA official told the Post on Monday that the agency was looking into the matter.

But remember, it was Pruitt who got a sweetheart deal on a Capitol Hill condo owned by the wife of an energy-industry lobbying executive, which allowed Pruitt the full use of the condo and he only had to pay $50 for each night he used it. That’s right: Pruitt had the full use of a condo in a posh Washington, D.C., neighborhood and only had to pay for the nights he stayed there, because ... baller.

Pruitt also traveled first class and got rid of a security officer who refused to turn on the police lights so Pruitt could run red lights. He’s also used taxpayer funds to do a security sweep of his office and had biometric locks installed because regular locks are boo-boo. Oh, and he just randomly one day decided that he need a secure phone booth installed in his office because he talks baller shit on the phone all day and doesn’t want anyone listening in.

Scott Pruitt also refers to himself in the third person and is currently the subject of a congressional probe looking into his spending.