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Would you believe that as we near the end of the year 2017, there are still men out there who have not mastered the art of cunnilingus? It’s true, my sisters—I have met them. I shit you not. And it is the most frustrating thing ever.

Yes, there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything. When going down on a woman, it’s a Choose Your Own Adventure type of thing. You can do it right and be a damn hero, or you can do it wrong and be joke fodder—the choice is yours.

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I am here to give you a very quick primer. Let’s talk about the wrong way first.

Dudes who do it the wrong way are timid. They act like they are afraid to put their tongue to that thing and get to work. They might just touch the tip of their tongue to it, which is the most ineffective and nonpleasurable shit ever.

Then there are the ones who lap at it like it’s a bowl of water and they are a big, sloppy dog. No rhyme or reason. All tongue and no technique. They hit the spot maybe once every 10 licks, and you are lying there like, “Why did I bother?”

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Then, of course, there are the ones who give it the college try, but despite their best efforts—they keep missing the spot entirely.

Imagine you have an itch in the middle of your back. You can’t reach it, so you ask someone else to scratch it for you, and they keep missing it. Like, they scratch all around it but never actually scratch the itch?

That, in a nutshell, is bad head.

If you want to do it the right way, take your time. Get to know her. The vagina is your friend. Lick her the right way, and she will weep tears of joy for you. Maybe use a finger first to find her pleasure spot and then go to town.

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Don’t be afraid to suck the clitoris—it’s your friend. Sucking it gently and playing around it with your tongue are the keys to the universe. All of a woman’s secrets come out with good head.

It’s like playing an instrument. You can make her hit that high note if you tune her up right.

I know a lot of you watch porn, so I will save you some wasted effort: Sticking your tongue inside her is cute and all, but if you want to win the game, start with a slow lick inside the labia, and when it becomes too much, work your way to the clit.

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If you get lost, ask for directions.

Pay attention to her responses. When she’s squirming, digging her fingers into your scalp and smothering you with her thighs, you are on a roll.

If she’s lying there quietly, barely breathing—you have a lot of work to do.

The way you go downtown can make or break a relationship. It’s just like real life.

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Taking the route with all the traffic that keeps you stuck in the car for hours? Bad.

Finding the shortcut that gets her to where she wants to be quickly? Good.

Good head can save a relationship. Good head can save a life.

Practice makes perfect.

Now, get down there, and be great.