Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani outside the United Nations in New York City on Sept. 26, 2012
Photo: Mario Tama (Getty Images)

Rudy Giuliani has been in the White House just about two weeks, and he’s already taking a flamethrower to the place.

In his first interview, Donald Trump’s latest lawyer has confirmed not only that the president did have an affair with porn actress Stormy Daniels but also that he paid his longtime attorney Michael Cohen back the $130,000 he gifted to Daniels to keep her trap shut about the apparent affair.

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After Trump spoke out against his newest lawyer’s statements, noting that Giuliani needs to think before he speaks, America’s former mayor basically followed the company line in an interview with Jeanine Pirro on Fox News, noting that he was new and “still learning” all the facts of the case.

“I have been in the case for two weeks,” Giuliani said, Vanity Fair reports. “So I’m not an expert,” he added. “I’m getting there.”

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Which sounds like Giuliani has learned his lesson, right?

Giuliani: Hold my switchblade comb.

On Sunday, during an appearance on ABC’s This Week With George Stephanopoulos, Giuliani noted that he didn’t consider the $130,000 to be a payoff amount because to him that’s peanuts. Now, had it been $1.3 million, then we’re talking serious money, but a measly $130,000? Well, that was just stop-annoying-me money.

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Except Daniels wasn’t annoying the president; in fact, she hadn’t spoken about it. But let’s not get tangled up in those Russian-hooker-piss-stained bedsheets when there’s more to talk about. Giuliani was asked point-blank whether Cohen had made any other payments to women on the president’s behalf. Seems like a pretty easy question, doesn’t it?

Giuliani: Hold my croissant sandwich.

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“I would think if it was necessary, yes,” he responded.

I swear I can’t make this stuff up. But Giuliani wasn’t done. He added that every lawyer around town has been telling him that the president shouldn’t speak in an interview or before a grand jury with special counsel Robert Mueller.

“I’m facing a situation with the president, and all the other lawyers are, in which every lawyer in America thinks he would be a fool to testify,” Giuliani told Stephanopoulos, Vanity Fair reports. Unfortunately, he continued, “I have a client who wants to testify.”

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Now, this can be looked at two ways: Giuliani could be setting the stage to make it appear as if the president has nothing to hide, and so therefore he wants to speak with the special counsel. Or Giuliani is literally being transparent in this moment and noting that against his best advice, his dumbass client is going to do it anyway. Either way, I’m enjoying the newest addition to Trump’s legal team and the disastrous interviews that he continues to give.

Somebody get Giuliani some Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and a Styrofoam cup of coffee—the secret snitching elixir used by police—so he can start telling all the White House secrets.

What did Michael Avenatti, Daniels’ lawyer, who appeared later on the same show, have to say about Giuliani’s performance?

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“It’s a train wreck,” he said. “I can’t believe that actually just happened. I mean, what we witnessed by Rudy Giuliani may be one of the worst TV appearances by any attorney on behalf of a client in modern times.”

Avenatti wasn’t finished: “This guy is all over the map over the last 72 hours on some very simple facts that should be very straightforward. I think it is obvious to the American people that this is a cover-up, that they are making it up as they go along.”