Faced with declining polls and widespread losses in the 2018 midterm congressional elections, multiple media outlets report that the Republican National Committee, along with the Donald Trump campaign team, is working on a plan to offer reparations to the African-American descendants of slaves.
According to sources, the discussions began during a Republican brainstorming session on solutions to wage inequality. President Trump sincerely asked why “so many of the blacks” lived in poverty when their ancestors enjoyed zero percent unemployment for centuries working in the cotton industry. When Senate Majority Leader and dead-ringer-for-Jar Jar Binks Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) informed Trump that enslaved people were not paid, he seemed astounded, according to multiple people in the room.
“That can’t be right. Why don’t we just pay them, then?” Trump reportedly asked the group of white men and Sen. Tim Scott (R-S.C.). “After all, cotton is what made this country an economic superpower. I know we can never pay them for 400 years of free labor, but if we give them a few dollars, maybe that’ll shut them up.”
While many of the conservatives seemed to dislike Trump’s assertion, none voiced their disagreement, harking back to their reaction to his “shithole countries” comments. Trump told the group that he often used the strategy of refusing to pay employees. He explained that—after stiffing people for years—they were often willing to settle for a reduced amount.
Ben Carson, after pretending to browse the Ikea website for office furniture, announced that the conversation made him uncomfortable as a puddle of urine-smelling liquid appeared to drip down the leg of his J.C. Penney suit. When House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) warned that reparations could put the U.S. into a deeper deficit, Trump reminded Ryan that people also said the same thing about the border wall.
“We’ll just tell our base that we’ll get Africa to pay for it,” said Trump. “I know I said everyone over there lived in huts, but I just found out that there are lots of natural resources that we could steal from the country of Africa. For instance, I’ve been reading about the vibranium mines in Wakanda. What if we went over there and put the purple drank in the water that strips away the power of the Black Panther? We did it in Flint, right?”
Most of the senators were hesitant to endorse the plan because, aside from the National Rifle Association, many of their re-election funding sources are declining. Rep. Steve Scalise (R-La.) admitted that he didn’t know any black people, but he saw a lot of them on TV and knew that they mostly spent their disposable income on Jordans, rims and Beyoncé tickets.
“That’s the beauty of the plan,” explained Trump adviser and winner of the Academy of Alt-Right Science’s 2017 Best Supporting Racist Award, Stephen Miller. “We’ll get it back anyway!”
Although the proposal has not been formally added to the official Republican platform, it is expected to pass without opposition. The GOP is counting on the marketing methods that convinced poor white people that a barely literate billionaire was an economic genius who had their best interests at heart. “If we could convince 53 percent of white women to vote for a sexual assault machine that literally looked like a caution sign, why couldn’t we fool our base to get behind reparations?” asked Miller.
Jeff Sessions wasn’t invited to the meeting but quietly attended. No one noticed he was there because his identity was concealed by his Ku Klux Klan hood, until—near the end of the discussions—Sessions pointedly asked, “We’ll still be able to shoot them, right?”
“Of course,” everyone giggled as waiters refilled the attendees’ glasses with more baby blood for a closing toast. “Don’t be silly!”
The plan is expected to be unveiled at this summer’s Republican National Convention, presented by Cambridge Analytica.
And April Fools.