An Oregon family was either the victims of a hateful attack or recipients of free LASIK surgery after their racist neighbors approached them on Easter and burned their retinas with visions of Caucasian butthole.
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KEZI reports that the Matthews family was minding their own business on Easter Sunday when they heard someone outside ranting and screaming racial slurs, which is also what Pontius Pilate reportedly did on the first Easter when he heard over the radio that the stone had been moved from in front of Jesus’ tomb.
When the Matthews went outside, they were delighted to spot an albino bison roaming through the neighborhood yelling the n-word. They were just about to call animal control when they realized that very few buffalo possess the gift of speech and even fewer wear GAP hoodies, which is also known as “trailer park Gucci.”
It turned out to be their neighbors, Jessica Hollinger, who was wearing the official Easter outfit of racists—sweat pants and flip flops—and her husband Kevin, who were apparently spreading the good news about white supremacy. The EpiscoPale-ian missionaries spotted the Matthews and decided to minister to the family by using the holiest of slurs, the n-word.
“She approached me in my face and started saying it multiple times,” said Rashonda Matthews, who is black, KEZI reports. (As if you didn’t know. Didn’t I just say her name was Rashonda?)
While witnesses did not say whether or not the Hollingers used the “hard R,” or the “soft A,” Rahtavian Matthews, who is also black (don’t play) pulled out his cell phone and started recording. Police say Jessica chest-bumped one of the Matthews and said she was going to call the police, which is the equivalent of a black person calling their cousins
When the Matthews asked her to leave their property, that’s when Jessica literally went ham—she pulled down her pants and revealed two rather large, uncooked pork loins that she had apparently stuffed into her Dollar Tree joggers.
Others claim that Jessica was innocently “mooning” the Matthews, but when The Root contacted the moon, the celestial body distanced himself from Hollinger saying “How dare you! Sure I might be white with a bunch of craters, but give me some credit!”
As the smell of salmonella and not-quite-thoroughly-wiped anus wafted through the morning air, the Matthews called the police. When cops arrived, they found a knife under Kevin Hollinger’s shirt, but Rahtavian told police that Kevin didn’t pull it out. He was charged with disorderly conduct and felon in possession of a restricted weapon, according to KEZI.
The still unpantied Jessica was charged with harassment, disorderly conduct and trespassing. After seeing the video of Jessica’s pockmarked dookeychute that looked like a deflated soccer ball hitting Jason Alexander in the back of the head, authorities decided not to charged Mrs. Hollinger with carrying a congealed weapon.
They were too busy throwing up in their mouths.
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