Dear Mr. Carlson,
Between my morning briefing on the status of the Democratic Party’s sex trafficking and my afternoon insurrection workout (mostly just police-beating exercises with a flagpole), I was informed by one of my most loyal parishioners (who may or may not represent Georgia’s 14th Congressional District) that you have been spreading lies and disinformation about our religious organization.
While I certainly recognize Fox News as one of the best sources of fiction-based journalism today, one of the ushers who safely returned from our Jan. 6 Washington, D.C., church trip provided me with a clip of your show from last night.
I can’t believe this!
I heard you were a high-key racist but the level of disrespect and erasure is appalling, if not downright offensive. Especially during Black History Month!
And if you’re wondering, yes, I am a Black—or, as it’s referred to at Fox News, “a negra.” Where do you think my name comes from? (By the way, you’re saying my name wrong. Q’Anon pronounced “Cannon”—like “why can none of you motherfuckers ever stop being racist?”) Everyone knows that the letter Q is just an O with a larger penis. Yet you blatantly ignored my African heritage to convince your readers that I don’t exist.
Although your contention that nothing exists unless it has a website is spurious, I can’t say I’m surprised. Perhaps that’s why you pretend that racism does not exist. Maybe that’s why you never speak about police brutality. In fact, this explains why no one at your network will confirm or deny that Laura Ingraham is just an animated hologram that spews sped-up, archived sound bites of Jefferson Davis speeches
We know, Tucker. We know.
If you or your staff wanted more information on our ministry, all you had to do was look on the dark web. (Don’t worry, I know it kinda sounds like a neighborhood where Black people live but, aside from a lot of n-words and rants about Sharia law, it’s perfectly safe. Ask Marjorie Taylor Gree—I mean my head usher.)
But even though I don’t have a website, I assure you that I exist. To be fair, I was going to register the domain name Qanon.com. But when I looked up whitesupremacy.com, it wasn’t registered, yet a lot of people believe in it. Why are you prejudiced against me just because I don’t have a Squarespace account?
We don’t need no good-for-nothing internet. That’s how the global elite get you. Why do you think they call it a “world wide web?” The voting machines were on the internet and look what happened. Instead of bullshit like counting votes, we believe in the votes in our hearts. And Donald Trump. Look how far he got without internet access. Despite what your fancy sequential numbers may say, he was reelected. Our elections expert Alex Jones even confirmed it! And he doesn’t need no degree from your uppity Electoral College. You know where he went to school?
No, I’m asking. Where did he go to school?
Consider this letter a formal cease and desist from QAnon, Inc.—a nonprofit arm of the Trump Organization. If you engage in any further slander, I will have to send my team of lawyers to sue your pants off. Did you see them at my impeachment trial? Sure, they might not know a lot about the law, counting votes or how the electoral process works, but they have faith. And, as it says in the Good Book*:
“Now Q is the substance of votes hoped for; the evidence of conspiracies not seen.”
If I didn’t exist, then how would I gain a following from such well-respected Americans like Josh Hawley and that guy who made a bazillion dollars off pillows? How do you think he made all of that money? From people who believe in me!
Sure, they might be a little gullible but gullible people need things to believe in, too. Most of my followers don’t understand stuff like science or history, which is why they hate masks and love the Confederate flag. Everybody’s not smart enough to know that the South lost the Civil War or that viruses don’t have political agendas. You know who else believes bullshit? Everybody! Besides, how can a so-called “intelligent” person accept crazy, unbelievable bullshit like global warming makes it snow or that viruses can fly? That sounds crazy!
Many of our members are some of the most respected people in their fields. For instance, evangelist Ted Cruz is so dedicated to our ministry that he agreed to work remotely from our winter revival services in Cancun. Youth pastor Jim Jordan is also doing great work in the wrestling community and our mother of the Church, Roseanne Barr, gave up her entire career to preach the gospel.
So repent, Tucker.
Don’t make me have to send some deacons to your house to fuck you up. Trust me, you don’t want that. Did you see what we did at the Capitol during our church trip? That’s how our choir marches in. All I’m saying is keep my name out of your mouth. Or, at least say it right.
And may Q have mercy on your soul.
Pastor Q’Anon Jamaal Robinson
Founder, Church of Q Christ and MAGA Day Saints
*(Not to be confused with the Great Book—The Art of the Deal.)
P.S.: You can send in a love offering and all will be forgiven.