Putin Wants to Get Under the Wig of Sunkist Stalin After Realizing He Helped Elect the Political Equivalent of a Quick Weave as President

Michael Klimentyev/AFP/Getty Images
Michael Klimentyev/AFP/Getty Images

No shade to the Kremlin, but if you have to pay for a psychological dossier on Sunkist Stalin, there’s a reason Muva Russia has gone from global superpower to Broke-Bitch Nation. Yes, such a declaration may lead to my emails being hacked, my nudes being spread like a dope Spotify playlist and God knows what else, but the truth is the truth, любимая. According to the Google, that’s “beloved” in Russian.


This week, various news reports, including one from NBC News, claimed that a psychological makeup on 45 was being prepped for Russian President Vladmir Putin. According to the preliminary findings, the new American president is “a risk-taker who can be naive,” according to “a senior Kremlin adviser.” Other revelations include that 45 “doesn’t understand fully who is Mr. Putin—he is a tough guy.”

No. 45 doesn’t know a lot of things, including the basic functions of the U.S. government; the Constitution; how anyone not white, male, well-off and boosted by nepotism lives; and anything that requires the intellect of someone above a fourth-grade reading level. Oh, and apparently “many in the Kremlin believed that Trump viewed the presidency as a business.”

I wonder whether this dossier—compiled by retired diplomats and Putin staff members—also tells us the color of the sky.

Its intent, it is said, is to properly prep Putin for his first meeting with 45. However, considering the growing evidence that 45 is the mutt he helped housebreak into the White House, you would think he would already be quite familiar with a man who literally is inescapable within media. What else is there to learn about an erratic narcissist who’s never shown allegiance to anything besides himself and maybe his daughter?

I’m not in the habit of assisting comrades, but since I’ve always wanted to play redbone Frasier Crane for a spell, I’d like to help out.

For starters, 45 is a dumb-ass man who believes anything that sounds totally implausible but nonetheless complimentary to his dim-witted view of the world. To wit, “the failing New York Times” recently profiled 45’s favorite little conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones. For those among “the blacks” who are unfamiliar, let me paint a picture: Take the overweight lover Heavy D, remove his melanin and paint his mug with idiocy and lunacy, then marry him off to one of those grocery store tabloids that swear Kourtney Kardashian is having Xenu’s baby. That is Jones, and much like Jones, 45 enjoys being loud, wrong and crazy.


We live in a free country until the Colby-Jack Führer declares otherwise, but Vladimir, you can’t trust anyone that stupid to do anything for you, no matter how much piss-stained footage you may or may not have on him.

Then there is Politico’s “How Trump’s Campaign Staffers Tried to Keep Him Off Twitter,” which deep-dives into how those poor, unfortunate, soulless individuals often tried in vain to keep their then-candidate from live-tweeting the presidential election to often disastrous results.


Former Communications Director Sam Nunberg explained:

If candidate Trump was upset about unfair coverage, it was productive to show him that he was getting fair coverage from outlets that were persuadable. The same media that our base digests and prefers is going to be the base for his support. I would assume the president would like to see positive and preferential treatment from those outlets and that would help the operation overall.


So, Put-Put (if I can call you that, Vlad), if you want to stay on 45’s good side, always retweet him. Hell, favorite his tweets, too. Make him feel special. That should help. Well, temporarily, anyway. He’s going to turn on you anyway. Ask Ivana Trump. Or Marla Maples. Or Melania Trump when her pussy-grabbing husband isn’t hovering over her. Or any contractors still waiting to be paid for their services.

Then again, no matter what the Kremlin may have on the man, or however much its often shirtless authoritarian compliments him, he is an dishonest, disloyal, messy bitch from Queens, N.Y. I don’t believe in the adage “Trust no bitch,” but Put-Put, don’t trust that bitch. Not to get anything done, anyway—particularly when his approval ratings are lower than the Grammy Awards are with black women, gay black men and people with taste.


It seems that part of this dossier is rooted in just such growing concern. NBC reports:

Putin’s government is growing increasingly concerned about Trump’s battles in Washington, according to Fedorov and former lawmaker Sergei Markov, who remains well-connected at the Kremlin.

It is worried the president will not have the political power to improve relations with Russia, as he has indicated he might try to do, and even, perhaps, lift some U.S. sanctions.


Put-Put is beginning to worry that Honeysuckle Lenin won’t be able to do much in the way of boosting Russia’s raggedy ass on the global stage. That explains why the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs is accusing various mainstream media outlets of spreading fake news about Muva Russia.

Via CNN:

Foreign ministry spokeswoman Maria Zakharova said the project was aimed at countering an “information campaign aimed against Russia” by exposing false statements from leading foreign media outlets and officials.

Speaking to journalists on Wednesday, Zakharova said stories about Moscow’s attempts to hack foreign elections and Russian submarines operating in northern Europe were examples of such fake news.


In other words, Russia’s little intel operation seeking to influence elections in Western elections is starting to backfire. To quote the goddess Rihanna, “#PoorDat.” As a black man, I’m not exactly strolling the streets shouting, “USA! USA! USA!” Even so, I find it amusing that a hostile foreign government that helped elect an orange, unqualified simpleton as U.S. president is suddenly finding itself a wee bit shaken.

I’m sure that Sunkist Stalin and Vladimir Putin will continue their public flirtation for the foreseeable future. Still, ultimately, 45 will fail Putin the way he tends to fail most people. Those two deserve each other ... and a big, hot pool of urine to fall into.


Now, how do you say, “Don’t kill me” in Russian?

Michael Arceneaux is the author of "I Can't Date Jesus," which will be released July 24, 2018 by Atria Books/Simon & Schuster, but go ahead and pre-order it now.



“Then there is Politico’s “How Trump’s Campaign Staffers Tried to Keep Him Off Twitter,””

Someone in the comments thread summed up my feelings on this well. To paraphrase:

ffs, do they have to make airplane noises when they feed him as well?